


‘Til the Heavens Burst, and the Words Don’t Rhyme

by MrsMoosie



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Minor Violence, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Suicide Attempt, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:55:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25955578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsMoosie/pseuds/MrsMoosie
Summary: Anthony Crowley is the lead singer of the rock group The Crawlers. He lets his band and their fame get to his head, causing his boyfriend Aziraphale to slip through his fingers.Maybe it’s for the best? Or maybe Crowley needs to take a harder look at himself...
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 112
Kudos: 104





	1. Goodbye, My Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my angst train! 🚂 
> 
> This has been sitting in my brain for months and I finally bucked up and wrote it. 
> 
> Please read the content warnings as some chapters contain heavier elements than others. I will do my best to include these warnings ahead of time, so no one feels uncomfortable but I can’t promise you won’t feel uncomfortable if that makes sense. 
> 
> Before each chapter I will also include a YouTube link to the song that the chapter is titled for. It fits the mood, gets you in that mindset. 
> 
> This first chapter hit me good.
> 
> Goodbye, My Lover - James Blunt
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wVyggTKDcOE  
> (I hope that works!)
> 
> The title of the work is from Always by Bon Jovi. My lovely Beta reader suggested, so thank you Missy_Marharet you have been such a wonderful help in this process! 
> 
> Without further rambling... Enjoy. 😙
> 
> Moosie

Crowley hadn’t completely failed Zira. 

It was just a kiss, wasn’t it? 

A kiss.

But not with him…

No… 

Maybe the late night partying wasn't helping. Maybe coming home reeking of whisky and cigarettes didn’t help either. The fighting  _ had _ gotten worse, arguments late into the night, tears shed and doors slammed. The make-up sex was mind blowing. 

The tension between them wasn’t worth it. The silent breakfasts, Zira’s eyes puffy from crying all night. Crowley grabbing his food to go, avoiding eye contact. There was tension, there was guilt in the air. It was thick with remorse, and it happened more often than either needed. 

None of it was worth losing him.

_ “I can’t… I can’t live my life like this anymore Anthony. I just… I’m not good enough and you need more than just… just me. We’re done… we’re done this is just too hard-“ _

_ “Just you? Zira please we can-“ _

_ “No.” The tears weren’t coming this time, “We can’t. I’ve given you everything and… and that? That- That kiss, and I’m always… I’m not important enough… Anthony I haven’t meant a thing to you in about five years… I need to move on. Find someone that actually cares about me…” _

Crowley regretted it. He regretted everything that entire yeat. That kiss… A stupid, good for nothing kiss just started the ball rolling. He should have grabbed Zira, held him close. They should have ran away together, found a big mansion in the middle of nowhere and escaped from the world. But no… He should have yelled and fought, he should have told him how much he meant, how much he needed Zira with him but...

~**~**~

“Good Morning, Mr. Crowley. The time is now nine o’clock a.m. Today’s weather is going to be raining- _ ” _

Crowley rolled over and slammed his hand on the digital assistant on his nightstand, growling. He had set his alarm, he told it to wake him up with the news. He must have been drunk… more than likely he was incredibly depressed and didn’t want to sleep all day again. Unfortunately for his little assistant, he had no intention of working today. Songwriting was getting harder. It’d been 3 months, 24 days, 9 hours since the incident with Zira. Not like Crowley was counting. 

It was an easy date to remember, as it was New Year’s Eve. He was on a stage counting down with Ana, a fellow artist whom he often partnered with. Rumors had been floating around the tabloids about the two of them. Yes, they spent quite a bit of time together due to tours and performances. But Crowley had Zira, and Ana had some guy. Zira had fully expected Crowley to count down to one and hug Ana as they agreed, but find and kiss him right after. They had discussed it not even 10 minutes before the countdown. It was a conversation every day leading up to it. Crowley… was very drunk at the moment though.

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!”

Zira smiled and looked up at Crowley and his heart dropped. He was kissing Ana – kissing and dipping her like they used to. Zira was suddenly very nauseous and tears welled up in his eyes as he turned quickly, running away through the crowds. Crowley grabbed Ana by the waist, a bottle of scotch in hand as they started in on a duet.

When Crowley finally stumbled into the hotel room hours later, Zira had packed and was sitting quietly on the bed. He knew what he had to do, to say. 

“Zira! I found you! Where was- I was- I was looking… What’s…” Even in Crowley’s inebriated state he knew. The suitcases, the red puffy eyes, Zira’s hands fidgeting in his lap. “No… No Zira you-“

“I can’t… I can’t live my life like this anymore Anthony. I just… I’m not good enough and you need more than just… just me. We’re done… we’re done this is just too hard-“

“More than just you? Zira please we can-“

“No.” The tears weren’t coming this time, “We can’t. I’ve given you everything and… and that? That- That kiss, and I’m always… I’m not important enough… Anthony I haven’t meant a thing to you in about five years… I need to move on. Find someone that actually cares about me…”

Zira had walked out of the hotel room and Crowley didn’t even follow. He just stood like an idiot, staring at the door as it closed quietly behind him. People were coming in from after parties. The hallways were loud, drunk with excitement. People were… Happy. Somewhere someone was singing Auld Lang Syne and that’s when it hit him.

Zira’s not coming back this time. Crowley’s chest ran out of air, his brain shut down, his heart turned into dust. He was wrecked. This wasn’t like the last time- He ran to the bathroom, purging violently and sobbing, clawing at his arms and scalp screaming at himself. He vomited until he dry heaved, and started to throw things. He broke the mirrors in the room, the lamps, turned over a dresser… He ended the night curled up in the bathtub wrapped in the shower curtain, crying himself to sleep. 

The alarm clock started up again.

“Here’s today’s forecast. It will be raining with a high of 52 and a low of-”

“Shut it you stupid… I  _ am _ the low.” Crowley growled, unplugging the clock. He grabbed his phone, sighing. Several missed calls from his new manager, several dozen texts from him as well. A couple of news alerts thrown in, an online order being delivered today… Nothing from Zira again. Crowley sighed, sitting up and plopping the phone in his lap. His hands scratched over the stubble that had grown in, before rubbing two golden eyes open. It’d been nearly four months since he’d heard from Zira. The tabloids dropped his alleged relationship with Ana in lieu for “Anthony Crowley’s Fall from Grace”, or “Lime Light to Black Out: The Missing Rockstar!”. Some had even thought he’d died or gone into witness protection. One magazine mentioned he had been abducted by aliens... 

“I’d rather have been probed than this shit…” Crowley grumbled to himself, looking over at a tank in the corner of the room. A small corn snake poked its head from it’s shavings. It looked up at him with red eyes, seemingly shaking its head and judging its master as if to say “you’re pathetic.” Crowley snarled at it, shaking his head. Judgemental freeloader.

Getting out of bed was a challenge in and of itself every day. Showering took much longer than he needed. He didn’t bother to shave, and his hair was starting to grow into that not-short-but-not-long-enough stage. The rest of the morning fell into place as usual. Crowley grabbed a loaf of bread, a knife, and a jar of peanut butter. Nothing better than peanut butter sandwiches and some Alton Brown to start his-

There was a knock at the door. He glanced over and rolled his eyes, slamming up the volume to full blast. A few moments passed, and suddenly there was an insistent slamming on the door.

“ANTHONY!”  _ BANG BANG BANG!! _ “You better have a  _ damn  _ good excuse for an… an eight month hiatus!”  _ BANG BANG BANG!! _

Crowley rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling. 

“Four… _Four_ months.” He signed, “Not even close.” The bread and spread were put on the coffee table and he shuffled to the door. Only one person still called him Anthony. He deeply missed the other one.

“What do you want, Ana. Haven’t you caused me enough-“ 

Before he could finish, she pushed the door open and came barging in. A man was behind her and he smiled awkwardly, holding out a hand.

“Uh… Hi. Big Fan. I’m Newton.”

Crowley looked down at the hand and raised an eyebrow as Ana continued her invasion of his personal space.

“At least you’ve showered but… Agh what is that smell? Your plants are…  _ nearly DEAD. _ Shit, get some LIGHT in here, Anthony!” She threw open the shades and coughed as some dust came flying off of them. She had a tote bag with her and started walking around and inspecting the apartment. Crowley watched her casually sneaking crystals between his things, spraying his furniture with some… evil ward remover.

“Oh please, come in. It’s lovely to see you.” Crowley said sarcastically, squinting. He grabbed his sunglasses off a table next to the door, stuffing them over his eyes, “Now get out.” He held the door open and theatrically motioned for the two to leave. Especially since she’d brought a random…  _ man _ with her. Into his  _ home _ . “ _ Who _ is this?”

“Newt. Don’t you have ears? Now get real clothes on, we’re going out.” Ana said. She started to set up an incense burner, finding a lighter in her bag. She lit the stick and started wafting the air, handing the lighter and back to Newt. “And we’re calling a maid… and a gardener… maybe just someone to fumigate the place. Probably need to get someone to clean out the negative energy in here too, the aura-“

“Fucking… Ana  _ no _ .” Crowley rubbed his forehead, “Why are you even here? Came to ruin my life  _ again _ ?” He grumbled and slammed the front door. He walked over to the couch flopping down, reaching for his sandwich supplies. 

“Ruin… your life  _ again _ . Sure, sure… Let’s talk about that shall we?” Ana frowned, eyes squinting behind thick rimmed glasses. She moved to stand between Crowley and the bread, arms crossed. Newt slowly started to creep towards the door. He didn’t realize meeting Mr. Anthony Crowley was going to be this… intense.

“Can… I’ll go wait-“

“We’ll just be a minute love.” Ana interrupted Newt with a gentle smile.

“…What was that now?  _ Love _ ?” Crowley raised an eyebrow and leaned back further, arms crossed. Ana turned back to him with a scowl.

“Fiancé. We have some catching up to do. Now, back to that talk about  _ me _ ruining  _ your _ life.” Ana began, “I seem to recall several occasions of you sleeping on my couch because Zira kicked you out for… god knows what you did.”

“Yeah several…” Crowley grumbled, “I was drunk or… probably just drunk...”

“Several times in December,  _ alone _ . You two could be perfect for each other but just could  _ not _ get it together.” She paused and found herself pacing. She looked down at Crowley and pointed straight at him, head tilting thoughtfully, “ _ You _ couldn’t get it together, actually.”

“Wow. That’s… rude even for you. “

“Furthermore,” Ana continued, “You repeatedly forced him into awkward situations and did  _ nothing  _ for him in return.”

Crowley grabbed for his bread as Ana paced, slapping sandwiches together. He hated lectures. Who didn’t, honestly.

“I did  _ everything _ for him.” He said, taking a bite from a sandwich and moaning softly, leaning back. He  _ had _ to remember to eat more often. He spoke with his mouthful, “We went on trips everywhere, he came to all my concerts and always sat in the same seat: front row, left side of the stage first seat so I could see him. Always.. Every show...We went to so many parties and after parties and signings…” Crowley trailed off, seeing where this was going. He frowned at Ana, who was smug, hands on her waist.

“You did what now?”

Crowley grumbled, waving his sandwich at her, “So it was mainly my stuff we did. We did stuff he wanted to do too, don’t turn this-  _ why  _ are you laughing?”

“’Mainly my stuff’, Anthony? I can’t remember a time you did anything for Zira, or that Zira wanted to do!” Ana smirked like the cat that got the cream. “Newt what did we do yesterday?” Her demeanor changed completely when talking to him.

Newt straightened up and his eyes widened. He was completely off guard and looked between the two for an answer. He had gotten lost looking through Crowley’s vinyl records, old and new mixed but in perfect order, “We were… we went to breakfast?” He asked and answered. It was like school all over again.

“Yes love, but after breakfast.” Ana smiled warmly at him. Crowley raised an eyebrow, finishing his first sandwich before he could argue again. 

“Oh after!” Newt smiled, “We went to my parent’s… I had to help my mom with-“

“Yes, lovely story.” Crowley muffled out, reaching for two more pieces of bread, “What’s your point and-“

“My  _ point is _ …” Ana started, arms crossed and a defiant look across her face. She knew she had won the battle, but the war was just beginning, “My  _ point is  _ I didn’t really  _ want _ to sit around his family’s house when I knew we could be… I don’t know anywhere else. I went with him because it was something  _ he _ needed to do. We go to stores and concerts and… things that  _ Newt  _ likes, not just me, not always both of us. Relationships, if you haven’t figured it out yet, are fifty-fifty. Not ninety-ten.”

Crowley stared blankly at Ana for a moment. 

There was a silence.

“Ana…” Crowley said sharply. He slapped a piece of bread on top of another, making sandwich 3.

“...Anthony?” 

“Let me know if you can hear this.” He rolled his eyes in an incredibly exaggerated state and laid back on the couch, throwing his feet up on the cushions as he munched.

“You’re so thick headed… I wonder what it’s going to take to knock some sense into you...” Ana shook her head, “So what, you’re going to hibernate? Grow out that beard and never write or sing again?”

There was a silence from Crowley and he rolled over, facing the back of the couch, sandwich in hand. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sing again, he certainly did. It was his life. But without Zira… His days as a rock singer were growing old. He had his hits that he’d sing at every concert and make fans swoon and scream at his raspy voice. His old songs were shit, garbage. Most of them were about him, how great everything was. They were just hooks for the girls to swoon over him. It was full of disgusting lies, his old band was full of disgusting people. Crowley had been in such a dark place as of late that his writing had taken a turn. It was a different beat. The words on the pages between the scribbles were lost, full of longing and love… Full of words he could never say to Zira.

With Zira he was able to scrawl out words so easily. Zira, on the piano, would come up with a tune and Crowley would strum his guitar and they’d sing together. It was beautiful, making music with Zira. The two would get lost in their sessions together for hours, bouncing ideas and keys off each other. They’d only break for the bathroom, the bedroom, or food delivery- the Chinese restaurant had called  _ them _ once or twice to see if they needed delivery that day. 

“I started a notebook. ‘S in the drawer behind… what’s his face.” Crowley mumbled.

Ana looked over to Newt and nodded. He opened the drawer next to the records and pulled out a red notebook, noticing several more that were layered under it. Respecting the artist’s privacy he closed the drawer and handed the papers to Ana. A silence came over the room as Ana moved to sit in a nearby plush chair and opened the notebook. She reached a hand out to Newt and he understood, getting her glasses out of her bag and handing them over. 

Ana began to read silently, hand stroking down the pages. She could see where tears had fallen and smudged the ink where words had been crossed out- no, violently scribbled out and others written in their place. Crowley was incredibly hard on himself. Words like ‘useless’ and ‘emptiness’ lined the margins. The lyrics were powerful. They were also so painful.

“Newt… can you… we need a little-“

“I’ll send a car. Take the time you need.” Newt nodded, reading her face. He stepped to Ana and leaned down, kissing her cheek softly and whispering, “Take care of him. I’ll be home waiting.” He brushed a thumb over Ana’s cheek and smiled softly before kissing her forehead once more and walking out quietly. He really was sweet and understanding. 

“Oh… Anthony.” Ana whispered, a hand came up to cover her mouth as she turned the page, eyes tearing, “This… This isn’t you- your normal lyrics... you’re really not in a good place.“

“I can’t do this, Ana…” Crowley whispered, facing the couch still, “I miss him, I need him, he’s my  _ life _ .” His throat constricted, tears welling in his eyes. Every song he had written was for Zira. Everything was for Zira.

“Can you play this one for me?” She asked, wiping her eyes delicately and looking at Crowley’s back, still turned, “Can… can you try? I’d like to hear it.” 

Crowley nodded and took a deep breath in, sighing. “Sounds better on the piano”

Ana looked to the baby grand in the corner of the living room, fingers itching to touch the ivory. She took the notebook, bringing it with her to set on the music stand, words haphazardly scribbled across the paper. Crowley threw his sandwich down, appetite gone for the moment. He managed to get off the couch and they sat together on the piano bench..

“Go easy on me… There’s a melody um…” Crowley reached into the notebook and started flipping through pages, tongue sticking between his lips in thought. He ripped the page out and slapped it next to the words. 

“Zira’s?” Ana asked delicately. Crowley nodded, his long fingers running over black and white keys, smiling lovingly at the instrument. 

“Always Zira…” He whispered to himself, “Go ahead…”

Ana started playing the tune, getting into it a moment before Crowley took in a deep, shaking breath.

“ Did I disappoint you or let you down? 

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun. 

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. 

So I took what's mine by eternal right, Took your soul out into the night. 

It may be over but it won't stop there. 

I am here for you if you'd only care ” 

He looked down at the ivory, a sad smile coming across his lips. Crowley continued to sing quietly, voice beautifully scratchy from lack of use. His eyes clenched, belting out note after note, baring teeth. He lost himself as the words became more passionate. He grabbed his shirt over his heart, feeling it break even further as he sang.

“Goodbye, my lover… 

Goodbye my friend. 

You have been the one… 

You have been the one for me. 

I’m so hollow, baby… 

I’m so hollow… 

I’m so- I’m so- I’m so hollow...” 

Crowley finished abruptly, voice breaking at the end. He grasped at himself and hunched over, sobs wracking his body. Ana had gotten up to get a box of tissues and moved next to him, bringing it closer for them to share. It was beautiful, so full of meaning and emotion. 

“Anthony…” Ana whispered, arm slipping behind his shoulders. He grabbed himself tighter, leaning into her arms.

“I can’t… without him Ana…” He choked out, “I love him s-so much… I hurt. Everything is meaningless without him with me… What do I do…?”

“Anthony...” She smiled, leaning back and cupping his cheeks. He looked at her, eyes glassy and-

SLAP.

“What the actual  _ fuck _ , Ana?!” Crowley snapped, hand raising to his wet and now stinging cheek.

“Oh that was wonderful… can I do it again? It’s been so long!” 

“What the- Absolutely  _ not  _ you psycho! I just  _ bared my soul _ and you fucking  _ slap me _ ?” Crowley jumped up, wiping his eyes and holding his cheek. For a small woman, she had a heavy hand and no sympathy.

“What do you do, Anthony?” Ana asked, “Seriously? You get off your scrawny ass and get outside for a start! Then you take those songs and sing them until you can do it without crying like a… a pussy.  _ Then- _ “ She paused for dramatic effect, “The real fun begins. I’m going on tour, you’re going to be my opening act.” Her eyebrows raised and lip curved into a smirk, “That’s just to start.” Crowley nearly fell off the bench.

“Not a chance in hell, especially after that… attack on my person!” Crowley was seething, “Slap my face and invite me on tour? I’m giving that a hard pass… Crazy bitch!”

Although… A small part of him so missed the smell of the recording studio, bossing the bands around, traveling around the world and playing in front of record breaking audiences. But he also wouldn’t be front and center – this was Ana’s tour. To make matters worse, Zira wouldn’t be there this time.

“It was more a statement than an offer. Anthony Crowley, out of his hiatus and a changed man. Not actually getting probed by aliens. Now a folk singer and crooner. I’m sure  _ someone _ would be interested to see that.” She crossed her arms, leaning back on the couch, “I’ll even save you seat 1 per usual.”

Crowley glared at her and looked down at the keys in thought. This wasn’t his, it was Zira’s, everything was. The custom built, engraved acoustic guitar in the corner, the baby grand, his heart belonged to him. He needed him. Whatever it took. Crowley ran his hands over the keys. His mind wandered to the finely manicured fingers that once danced across the ivory. 

“I  _ have  _ to leave The Crawlers…”

“Good, they’re terrible assholes and hold you back.” She smirked, watching Crowley intently.

“You… you really think he’d come?” 

“You didn’t recognize Newt?” Ana started.

“What the hell does he have to do- No, will  _ Zira  _ come?” Crowley said again, making sure he was heard. 

“Dummy. Newt was in school with you two. Same music, business and sociobioeco-whatever classes. Guess who his best friend is.” Ana smiled triumphantly, waiting for Crowley to put the pieces together. 

Crowley stopped his hand on the baby grand before his eyes snapped to Ana, trying to think back. He stared through her… Until a metaphoric lightbulb turned on over his head.

“Pulsifer.” He stated, “Newton Pulsifer, owner of Genesis Records, second in our class behind-”

“His best friend, Zira. Yep. That would be him. My fiance. Consider this your save the date, Anthony.” She leaned into the arm of the couch, “We’re getting married two months before the tour and I need a  _ maid  _ of honor. You’d probably look fetching in a dress… Maybe long black, flowy style with a low back?” Ana winked and pet the cheek she had slapped softly, hoping it had brought him back to reality a little. He scowled, pulling his face back and batting her hand away. 

Maid of honor… Tour… Quit the band? Too much, too fast. He needed air.


	2. When We Were Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! 
> 
> Seems this will be the posting schedule for the next 5 weeks (or less 👀). 
> 
> Here we have a flashback to 5 years before the main story. There’s a little NSFW action, but all consensual of course. It’s quite angsty... 
> 
> Monday’s chapter is the major CW so please read the notes before reading the chapter. I’ll keep my rambling brief.
> 
> Chapter 2:  
> When We Were Young - Adele
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDWKuo3gXMQ

Crowley had opened for Ana when she first found them about 5 years prior. His band, The Crawlers, were little known above ground until the show. Ana had seen them perform one night at a bar and was instantly drawn in, needing to see them and watch them perform again. She followed the band around for weeks, catching names and as much information as she could gather from the bartenders and owners. They were all confused why a successful artist as Ana would be in their bars and clubs, but as she continued to buy everyone drinks and left generous tips they couldn’t complain. Finally she had her chance. It was a Friday Night before Halloween and she took her normal spot at the bar. Legs crossed, she pushed her glasses up her nose and turned to the bartender for a drink- but then the lights were out.

“And it feels like I am just too close to love you… 

There's nothing I can really say! I can lie no more… 

I can hide no more… 

Got to be true to myself… 

And it feels like I am just too close to love you… 

So I'll be on my way.”

The lead singer had a firm grasp on the mic, eyes clenched shut, mouth wide open baring his soul… and his teeth. He looked so emotional you nearly felt pity for whatever he had gone through to cause so much pain. Ana leaned forward, covering her mouth with one hand and watching him intently.

“He’s remarkable, isn’t he…” A voice said next to her. She nodded then paused, eyes glancing to her side.

“Yes… Yes he’s very passionate about his-”

“Newton. Pulsifer.” The man held his hand out and smiled softly. He had a towel thrown over one shoulder, sleeves rolled to his elbows exposing muscular forearms. Ana took the hand, looking up into blue eyes. His hair was a mess- standing up every which way. There was a smudge on his cheek from cleaning, his shirt was drenched in the front from dishes… 

“Sorry I must look a right mess.” He said and took his hand back, leaning back up against the bar. He took the towel from his shoulder and wiped his hands, watching the act on stage. Ana watched him intently. 

“You look… just perfect.” She muttered, cheeks turning pink from the confession. She hoped he hadn’t heard her, flirting was not her strong suit and as adorable as this ‘Newton’ was, she was sure he recognized her at some point like all the other groupies. Could never be too safe. The two continued to watch The Crawlers set, having quiet conversations every so often about everything and anything that they could think of. Small talk was another shortcoming she didn’t want to admit to. With fans it was easy. But at a bar, with a strange and yet… attractive man. Maybe he didn’t recognize her yet?

“This is their last set, and on that note…” Newton started. He stepped behind the bar, grabbing a rope and ringing the bell it was hooked into loudly. “Last call, freeloaders!” He yelled, looking to Ana and winking. She smiled, laughing a little as some in the crowd decided to call him several choice names. He shook his head smiling as the bartender continued to pour drink after drink.

Turns out Newt owned the establishment, booked bands for 3 days a week, was open for 5 total. He had gone to school for business, minoring in music. The big dream was a record label of his own, to have artists come to him for help and to advise on their lives and careers. He wanted to help plan tours and shows and appearances. His face dropped as he looked behind Ana.

“Hey Zira… Another late night?” Newt asked. Zira nodded, sighing and taking a seat next to Ana. A sleepy smile pulled on his lips, bags rested under his eyes. He folded his arms and hid his head in them. Newton knew about their late night fights. He hoped they could work it out but until then it was a continuous toxic roller coaster. No matter how many times he had told Zira they needed to talk to someone, or to each other more it never seemed to sink in. Zira was always stubborn, and always drawn to Crowley. Ana studied the poor fellow next to her, arms crossed and leaning over the bar. 

“I’m going to close up. Do you mind…?” Newt asked Ana, “I’m sorry I know we only just met I didn’t-”

“Ana. Ana Device.” She smiled, holding out a hand, “I don’t mind at all.”

A bottle broke as it slipped out of Newt’s hand and he stared behind thick rimmed glasses, “Ana… Ana Device. No way I’ve been speaking to- THE. _THE_ Ana Device? Zira! Zira do you-”

“You better go close up love.” Ana winked, “Don’t worry about your friend here.”

As soon as Newt walked away, muttering to himself about how he completely missed that, another dark figure approached with three others in tow.

“Oi! Can I get a few bottles down here? It’s for the band!” The tallest shouted, leaning on the bar. Ana raised a delicate eyebrow, looking past Zira toward him. He looked directly at her, golden hazel eyes pierced into her and a sharp smile appeared on his lips, “And who might you be, miss? Hmm?” He said with a wink, “Did you happen to catch the show? I do love showing off for my beautiful followers.”

Zira stirred at the sound of the voice and sat up, staring at the man. His brow furrowed, “Anthony please don’t start… My head is throbbing.” He said, almost too quietly for Ana to hear. Crowley brushed the request aside and moved to lean against the back of Zira’s chair. His band mates were busy with several bottles that were brought over immediately by the bartender, Crowley grabbing his own. Zira turned towards Ana and looked back at him, “Please. Anthony, can you not drink tonight? I think- Can we talk in private?”

“Hold on Zira, hold on.” He waved his hand dismissing the blonde again, staring at Ana. His eyes squinted, hand bringing his bottle up to his lips and taking a swig, “I know you.” He stated, “You’re… You’re that girl from the magazine.” Suddenly it hit him like lightning, “Rolling Stone! Ana Device!”

“Shh!” Ana hushed strictly, “You let people know I’m here we’ll never be able to talk privately. I have a proposition for you and The Crawlers.” She started. Crowley’s eyes widened, moving closer to Ana and the two discussed her thoughts.

Zira was on the back burner, again. He was starting to sense the pattern but maybe it would get better. It could just be the band looking for it’s first real break, maybe this talk with Ana would be that. Zira started to think that it was alright to be second and the thought stuck with him. The Crawlers were first for them both and their relationship was a distant second, sometimes third to the booze.

Ana worked with The Crawlers’ manager and they would open for her upcoming tour over the following summer. Through the winter Crowley started focusing more and more on the band and rehearsals. He hardly saw Zira. When they did see each other it was hit or miss. Either heated arguments, or heated love making. Crowley forgot important dates- Zira’s birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s, and their anniversary. Zira let them slide, but his heart was beginning to show cracks. He was lonely, spending more time with Newton and helping him start his business. He invested as a silent partner, keeping it from Crowley. He figured if Crowley was losing interest in him, he may as well have a back up plan. 

When Crowley went on tour Zira followed him, watching his every move on stage. After he would watch him parade himself off the stage. Crowley flirted with fans, some not so casual touches to groupies and Ana’s dancers. Zira’s blood boiled but he stayed quiet. His heart broke watching the show, each movement crushing him more than the last. He sat quietly in the limo while he waited for Crowley, hiding the damage within like he had always done. 

“Zira!” Crowley slammed the limo door open, laughing. He slunk into the leather seat, pulling the door closed and leaning into him, “Zira where were you…” Crowley muttered into his ear, nose nuzzling against the shell, hands exploring. Zira felt his body tighten and he leaned away.

“Here. I’ve always been here Anthony, just waiting.” He said softly, “Always just… waiting.” A hand slid over his thigh and he gasped, tears brimming in the corners of his eyes. “Stop, Anthony...”

“Why?” Crowley licked his ear, “You’re waiting for me to ravish you at the hotel aren’t you… You take my cock so well, Zira… Can’t wait to bury it in you… You like that, hm? I know you love it when I hold you down and fuck you...” He whispered. Crowley’s hand made it between his legs, rubbing just the way Zira liked it..

“You… You’re drunk and… have a show-” he gasped, feeling himself getting hard. Crowley grabbed his waist and pulled Zira onto his lap, biting his neck. “Ah- Anthony!” In the back of his mind, Zira knew how much he craved the attention. For all the fighting and trust issues he had with Crowley, he _was_ quite the attentive lover.

“Mm… You’re more important right now.” Crowley licked up to his ear. A greedy hand slipped into the back of his pants, a finger sliding to tease at his entrance. Their erections rubbed against one another through denim and leather. Zira let out a moan and slipped his arms around Crowley’s neck, grinding down into him. Right now… The only time that Zira was important, the only time that Crowley needed him around. This was when they had time though, when Crowley gave Zira attention, so he took what he could.

“Anthony...” He whined, “We… ha- have to-“

“Mm… later Zira… you’re so good, can’t wait to fuck this tight ass all night…”

That’s how it always was from there on out. Crowley would perform for tens of hundreds of thousands of fans, get drunk, and fuck Zira into next week. He thought it was fine.

Zira’s poor heart was cracking and it was only a matter of time until it shattered. When Ana and Crowley kissed on New Years, his heart didn’t just shatter, it was crushed into dust. Unmendable. Destroyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome! 
> 
> Massive thanks to Missy_Marharet who helped me SO much with this!
> 
> Find me on IG as @mrsmoosie35 💜


	3. I Can't Face This Life Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> Content Warnings: Drug Use, Physical Violence, Attempted Suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the content warnings that are associated with this chapter before reading. There is notes of drug use (not by Crowley), physical violence, and attempted suicide. We are hitting rock bottom.
> 
> Missy_Marharet and I would like to add the following numbers due to the content warnings, as a reminder that you are not alone, and there are people in the world that support you. You are loved, you are important, and you are wonderful. You are _not_ alone.
> 
> Suicide Hotlines:  
> US Hotline: 855-273-8255  
> UK Hotline: 116 123
> 
> Thank you... Can never be shared enough.
> 
> The song this week is a favorite of mine for Crowley.
> 
> Save Me - Queen  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw3izcZd9zU

After Ana left his flat, Crowley lay on the couch staring at the ceiling. It was white, there was maybe a speck of dust… No. He wasn’t going down like this. 

“No _fucking_ way.” He growled to himself. Crowley slapped together another two sandwiches for the road, holding them both in his mouth. He grabbed his notebook, keys, and rushed out the door. Stupid Ana and her stupid… optimism.

He stuffed himself into his classic, shining, meticulously maintained Bentley and took off through the streets of London. He was stuffing sandwiches down his throat and weaving in and out of traffic, heading to the beginning. To the recording studio, where he _knew_ he’d find the others.

He parked outside, jumping out with his notebook. Adrenaline soared through his veins. He locked the car and threw the door to the studio open, hustling inside, down the hall to the normal studio. It was large, with every instrument possible. There was a small area for sound adjustments with a seating area- and that’s where he found them..

“Guys! So- What the _fuck_?”

The band, and a stranger, were snorting cocaine off of the coffee table, guzzling champagne, and blaring music he’d never heard. They all stopped when the door opened and stared.

“The deuce are _you_ doing here!” Bea asked, standing from the pile of drugs and swaying.

“Last I checked, I’m still the founder and vocalist of this band! We need to practice…”

“Mmm… Nope!” Hastur said with a cackle, “You got fired dumbass!”

“What- you can't…?”

Bea smirked and approached, “We signed with a new label today, pretty boy. Meet Lucinda Ferr. Our new lead vocalist.”

“Yeah, Luci is fine.” The stranger called from the couch, rubbing their nose clean of white powder. Crowley didn’t look over, didn’t even bother to see what they looked like. Because fuck them that’s why.

“Whatever, funny joke assholes. What’s going on?”

“We signed with Inferno, have new management now. You’re no longer in the picture… You and… and Yoko can piss right off!” Ligur said, swigging back the champagne. Bea laughed, snumbling closer to Crowley. They had a small trace of powder on their nose, eyes shrunken from the high.

“Oh you two broke up though, right? Poor baby… I’m sure you could be our number one groupie if you like… I can sure show you a good time, and I don’t mind sharing you.” Bea winked, a hand stroking down Crowley's stomach toward his pants. Crowley snapped. He grabbed their arm, throwing them across the room to crash onto the table- and the drugs. There was white powder _everywhere_.

“Fucking disgusting!” Crowley yelled. The other band mates jumped up and started right in. Luci helped Bea up but stayed back. Couldn’t hurt that pretty face they probably had…. Ligur grabbed Crowley, holding him down as Hastur pummeled his face, giving him a black eye and split lip at minimum.

“Guys, guys!” Luci yelled, “Leave him, that’s enough. You don’t want to be all cut up when we take pictures later!”

Crowley staggered to stand, touching his bleeding nose and lip. He spat at Hastur, “Fuck you!” He growled before leaving, grasping his notebook. Stupid band- He didn’t need them anyway. Bunch of assholes…

Crowley ran out of the studio and started walking. He left the Bentley parked where it was- he’d come back but really had to cool down. No sense driving with his adrenaline out of control. He quickly found walking to be a bad idea. Not even three stores down, leaving his favorite bakery… Was Zira.

“Oh… Fuck me...” He turned, but it was far too late.

“Anthony…?” His small voice called. That voice did things to him, shivers down his spine and electricity through his veins.

“Zira…” Crowley turned, trying to hide his swollen and bleeding face. It was impossible.

“Anthony, goodness, what happened? Did you get attacked?!” Zira gasped. He reached into his pastry bag and got a napkin, coming closer to him and trying to hold it to his lip.

“Ah- Thanks…” Crowley backed up and took the napkin, holding it. Fuck he smelled good…

“Did you get jumped?”

“Mm… Something like that. Seems you’re not allowed to quit the band you started without a bit of a toss.”

“They… You quit the Crawlers?”

Crowley nodded, dabbing his lip and drenching the napkin in red, “Seems they wanted me out for years I guess… So here I am. Solo act…” He clutched his notebook tighter to his chest.

“I’m… I’m so sorry to hear.” Zira said, looking at his bag. A silence grew between them, uncomfortable and eerie. A pedestrian walked by with a child, a bird flew overhead. 

“Zira… I’m sorry-“

“Don’t… Anthony please, don’t…”

“I miss you… Fuck, I was so stupid…”

“Stop it, _please_.” Zira begged, grasping his bag, “I- I can’t talk about this.”

“Can we talk somewhere else-“

“No!” Zira snapped. His eyes clenched shut and his body trembled, “Just… Don’t talk to me again. Leave me alone.” 

Crowley’s eyes widened and he watched Zira turn and take off. He didn’t live in that direction- but it was where Crowley wasn’t and that must have been enough. Crowley stood and felt his body tremble, a cold shiver ran down his spine.

_Don’t talk to me again. Leave me alone._

Crowley backed against the building next to him and took a deep breath- and then more. They didn’t help, his breathing was ragged and tears fell down his cheeks. He pressed his head back against the brick building and his teeth clenched in agony. 

“Fuck!!!” He yelled. Months of numbness, pain, self loathing. Months of avoiding the outside world just because he was afraid this would happen and luck of the devil. It came pouring out all at once.

Pedestrians walking by jumped and stared at him, parents cradled their children close. He was a demon, freakish to look at, scary to be near. Crowley paused to look at these people a moment and realized he’d just shouted like that. In public. He saw phones being pulled out and cameras held up. They knew. They recognized him, they knew who he was and here, in public, he was breaking down. He could just see the headlines about him shouting in the streets, sobbing, having a mental breakdown. 

“Sir, are you quite alright?” Someone asked. It was innocent enough, but the damage was done. Crowley glared at him and snarled.

“Fuck off!” He yelled, and took off, notebook in hand, running in the opposite direction Zira had taken off into. 

So this was the bottom, scraping the bottom of the pan and getting the greasy shit off before throwing it down the disposal. Not even good enough for a roux. He was garbage, he was unwanted and ridiculous and alone in the world. Zira didn’t even want to talk to him, and he was sure seeing him was worse. His band kicked him to the curb with a busted lip and black eye. Ana was off getting married, giving him pity opening acts and shit advice. 

He ran, his heart slamming against his chest, sweat dripping down his face and through the back of his shirt. His breath was ragged, hard to catch. Run from your problems like he always had. Sprint away, get far away and they can’t find you. But how far would he have to run? Better yet, where did he have to go? What did he have left? A shit apartment and a freeloading snake… Crowley looked up and found he was on a bridge.

Oh… This would do nicely.

Crowley sniffed and shook, dropping his notebook. He leaned his hands onto the railing and let out a small, choked cry. He’d always been afraid of heights. Now he was going to use them, overcome that fear for good. He whimpered and trembled. He had to… He had to go, leave this all behind. His road ended, there was no sense in running anymore. 

_Don’t talk to me again. Leave me alone._

Crowley sobbed and his knuckles turned white on the railing, replaying Zira over in his head. His one love… His music… He was ruined. Nothing mattered if Zira wasn’t in his life… Oh Zira…

Crowley put one foot by his hands, hiking himself up to stand. He grabbed onto the support beam next to him and whimpered, shaking, letting out small cries. Below was water, endless blue water. There were rocks though… they’d do the trick. Crowley felt his stomach turn and his knuckles whitened on the support in fear. Jump… that’s the end of the road, no where else to run, why not? He wouldn’t even have to _jump_ really, just saunter vaguely downward. The water below could wash him away, it’d be simple. Zira would be free… No more hurting, rejection, fear… Nothingness. It’d be over. 

One foot slipped down and he yelled, bringing it back. He was afraid, he’d never thought about suicide before. The one reason he had for living was afraid to see his face, thought he was vile, some demon spat out of hell. He could do it… Zira wouldn’t even show up at his funeral… No one would. Because who gave a shit about some washed up, self absorbed, jobless-

“I’d be careful up there, laddie. Quite a fall if you slip.”

Crowley’s eyes widened and he looked to his right. An old man stood, leaning against the railing and looking out across the water. Crowley hadn’t realized it, but he had been standing terribly close to him when he started climbing the railing.

“I’m going to do it… Go away, old man.”

“Mm… I wouldn’t do it if I were you. Chances of survival and all.”

“I don’t _want_ to survive! I want to fucking die!”

“Well then find another way. You’ll miss the rocks from here and hit the water… Probably get picked up by the police or something.” The old man shrugged, standing up, “Up to you, Anthony.”

“ _You_ recognize _me_?”

“Hm? ‘Course I do! You look very much like your father did during the war. Suppose that was ages ago now…”

“War… You knew-“ Crowley turned too quickly and his foot slipped. He lost his balance, tilting toward the water. The old man grabbed him, and with herculean strength threw him down onto the walkway.

“I… You saved...” Crowley grabbed his hair and shook violently, screaming in the terror that coursed through his veins. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. Realization hit that he almost killed himself. He almost threw himself off this stupid bridge because he was so low, so down and out. Now this stranger… This man… Selflessly saved his stupid life. 

“Name’s Sarge Shadwell.” The man said, “Seems like you need a shoulder, laddie… C’mon. Back to mine, we’ll get you straightened out.”

“Back… Back to yours…” Crowley looked up. What did he honestly have to lose by going with this strange man… To his house… 


	4. I Don't Know How to Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shadwell takes Crowley back to his, where some major discussions are had, and Crowley has an epiphany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How you all doing after last week? Okay? Agh, that one made me nervous. 😣 I care for you all. Really. 💜
> 
> Anyway. I have promises to keep.
> 
> I am literally changing the title to this chapter at 11pm before posting it because this song destroys me. Sorry, not sorry.
> 
> Do What You Have to Do - Sarah McLachlan
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N1KnE1Zu_84

They walked for a bit- Crowley clutching his notebook to his chest and Shadwell holding his shoulders, making sure he was supported. It turns out Shadwell visited the bridge and liked to look out over the water daily. He’d stopped quite a few people from the same fate Crowley was looking for. He explained that he did the same for them all; brought them to his place, talked with them for a bit, gave them a bite to eat and sent them home with someone they knew. He’d do just the same for Crowley. 

They made it to a two story, run down apartment building. Shadwell unlocked the door and they entered, making their way up the stairs to his home. A blonde woman must have heard from across the hall as she stuck her head out.

“Oh… Poor dear.” She tutted, stepping closer to them, “Sarge, is this another-”

“Away with ye…” He grumbled, unlocking his door, “Don’t come disturbin’ the peace here either.”

“I’ll bring the tea.”

“Don’t forget the sugar.” He added, shutting the door quickly behind him. Crowley looked around and wrinkled his nose. It really was dumpy. Old army relics everywhere, mismatched curtains, a stove that was older than he was. A single table lay in the middle of the room, covered in newspapers. Clippings lined the wall behind the table. Crowley swallowed, watching Shadwell move about the room.

“The newspapers there… All people I’ve rescued from that bridge. Some have my picture, a lot are what they went on to become. Makes me proud… Makes me thankful your father did the same for me.”

“What- Why do you think you know  _ my _ father? You don’t know me at all.” Shadwell pulled a chair out from the table and tapped the back, offering him to sit.

“Luitenant Anthony Crowley. We were over in Iraq when he died, Gulf War and all…” Shadwell nodded, “1991 I believe, you were too small then. Eleven? Twelve?”

“Eleven…” Crowley nodded, “He never came home.” He walked in and sat in the chair uncomfortably. The chair was wood, and his rear was hurting from being slammed onto the concrete. It served him right though, trying to jump off a bridge and all. His hands held his notebook to him tightly and he looked down sadly. He was still shaken, scared of what he’d just done, what he nearly just sentenced himself to. What a coward though, couldn’t even go through with it...

“Aye… It was hard times, indeed.” Shadwell nodded, “Want to move to the couch? More comfortable. You look like you need a nap, laddie.”

Crowley nodded at his shaking hands and stood like a zombie. He was exhausted, his body and mind were in shambles. He couldn’t think straight, or nearly at all for that matter. His head was throbbing, partially from his eye, mainly from stress. His body was screaming for him to rest. He heard the door open and the woman walked in with tea and ice packs. He looked up to her just a moment, wordless. She said something but… It was jiberish to him at the time. Crowley walked like death to the couch and dropped his notebook onto the coffee table. He flopped himself down, his eyes closing. Sleep took over quickly, his body succumbing to the shock.

His eyes fluttered open what was hours later and he nearly panicked. This strange couch and smell… His sinuses were on fire from the dust. His face was throbbing, lip and eye swollen. He groaned and stretched.

“Oh you’re awake!” A voice said. Crowley turned quickly and looked up into bright blue eyes, blonde curls, and a kind smile.

“Zira…?”

“Oh no, dear I’m dreadfully sorry.” Another voice said. Crowley clenched his eyes closed and when they opened, the woman from earlier was there. Blonde, blue eyes… Certainly not his beautiful Zira. 

“Sorry…” Crowley mumbled, rolling back over, “Thought you were someone else-”

“Zira, hm? Want to tell me about him?” She smiled kindly and sat next to him on the couch, holding out an ice pack.

“He… He left me. I love him still though… I love him so much.” Crowley held the ice to his eye, wincing.

“I see, I see… Does he know you love him still?”

Crowley nodded, hugging himself with his free arm and guarding himself as best he could. He  _ was _ spilling his troubles to this random woman though. Not like it mattered, she didn’t care about his stupid sob story.

“So what happened that you split?” She asked, comfortingly, “Cheating? Loved someone else? Difference of opinion?”

“Well… I was such an ass.” He said, “I didn’t see how bad I was hurting him. I didn’t see he needed me as much as I needed him. I was selfish and cruel… He deserves better anyway. He can go find someone better that will… that will treat him right…” Crowley felt tears spilling down his cheeks and his breath was suddenly ragged. He dropped the ice to the cushion.

The woman scooted closer and stroked his hair, “Listen here, deary. Mr. Shadwell won’t tell you this but… He had a beau back in the early 90’s. They loved each other so much, that neither me or his beau’s wife could get in the way. One day… One day he was shot, the war you see.” She paused, letting Crowley roll over to his back, “But Mr. Shadwell keeps his beau’s necklace on, as a reminder of keeping the one you truly love no matter the circumstances. Now, Me and Mr. Shadwell have an understanding, I know he’s not with me for… intimacy. But it’s companionship, Mr. Crowley.” She paused, “Lift up.” She requested. Crowley listened, lifting his head and resting it on her leg, letting her stroke his hair. 

“You’re Mrs. Shadwell then?” Crowley asked, giving less than a shit how weird this situation was, but feeling comforted by the woman. She was motherly, something he hadn't had in decades. She smiled and nodded.

“Yes, dear… Now you sound like you need to start working on being a companion for your Zira, instead of just a… well you know.”

“An asshole?”

“You said it, not me. Now… You need to be a friend. Do you have friends, Mr. Crowley?”

Crowley thought hard. There was a silence between himself and Mrs. Shadwell and he closed his eyes, turning his head away, embarrassed.

“I… I thought I did. My band dumped me, my boyfriend left me, and the only other person I know slapped me across the face for being a piss ant.”

“Sounds like you need a true friend then. Do you know what a friend is?”

“Yeah someone you get beers with and hang out with.”

“Mm… Someone whom you have a bond with, Mr. Crowley. Someone-”

“Just… You can just call me Anthony.”

“Well, Anthony… You need someone to create a bond with, someone you can ‘get beers with’.” She mocked his deep voice and let out a laugh, “But someone that you can talk to, or spend time with. Someone you maybe have known a long time and can trust.”

“Zira…”

“No, not yet, Anthony.” She shook her head, leaning back. She plucked yo the ice and handed it to him, “Zira will be your friend but you need another friend first. Someone you’ve known for a long time, someone you can tell anything.”

“Ana…” Crowley touched the ice to his lip, his eyes widening, “Holy shit.” He finally realized that was Ana- she was a  _ friend _ , an actual friend. He looked up to Tracy, shocked.

_ ‘I have a proposition for you and The Crawlers.’ _

_ ‘I seem to recall several occasions of you sleeping on my couch because Zira kicked you out…’ _

_ ‘I need a maid of honor. You’d probably look fetching in a dress…’ _

She was a friend… A brutally honest friend… She found him and gave him this chance, she brought him to where he was today and that’s how he treated her? Calling her a crazy bitch? She was always there… She treated him so much better than he’d ever treated anyone.

“So this Ana… She’s a friend? If we called her would she come?”

“Wait… what happened to Mr. Shadwell?” Crowley frowned. He sat himself up and looked around. Mrs. Shadwell chuckled.

“He’s asleep. See… He saves people from the bridge from time to time, he likes to be a hero. I think it’s an old Army thing. But when he comes home he sleeps, and I’m usually the one siting here like this and talking… I’m a licensed therapist you see, so when people come in for tea I like to let them vent and talk, offer advice. They never come back, but I also don’t tell them about it. We talk like friends should, and I give advice. No strings attached, no signing paperwork. No stress. See, Anthony... All people want to see is the car accident, they don’t care what happens to the driver after the car is hit.”

“I get you...”

“Now, if we tried to call Ana, do you think she’d answer?”

“Absolutely.” Crowley nodded, “I think… Fuck, I don’t know…” He shoved a hand into his good eye and let out a shaky sigh. Tracy stayed quiet, patient as he gathered himself.

“Why don’t we try? See what happens, hm? You might be surprised.”

Crowley nodded and took his phone from his back pocket. The screen had cracked from being thrown to the pavement but… he was alive. That was the important part. He swiped a few times and found Ana, letting it dial. He leaned back into the couch, bringing a leg up and hugging it close.

“Anthony! Fuck where  _ are  _ you?!” Ana screamed into the phone, “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours, Newt told me Zira saw you and said some things and-“

“Ana… Ana you’re my friend… right?” Crowley asked. He dropped the ice to the floor, shielded his face and sobbed.

“Anthony… Anthony where are you? I’m coming to get you… Are you safe? Shit, please tell me you’re safe!”

“I’m safe… This… Here.” Anthony held the phone away to Mrs. Shadwell and sobbed. She rubbed his back and smiled sadly, holding the phone to her ear.

“Hello dear… My name is Tracy Shadwell. I’m here with your friend Anthony?”

“What happened? Why is he with you?”

“Let me give you our address dear… It seems our friend has… He hit rock bottom not too long ago and is very slowly starting his ascent back up.”

Mrs. Shadwell- Tracy, actually… Gave Ana the address before they hung up. She was leaving whatever she was doing immediately and coming. Tracy set the phone down on the coffee table and pulled Crowley in close, hugging him tightly.

“I know I’m nothing more than a stranger, Anthony. You don’t have to listen to a word I say, or do anything I request. But you keep your friends close, alright? I am a friend… I will always be here if you need to talk or a safe place to go. You never forget that.”

Crowley sniffed and his body gasped for air between his words, “Thank… You.” He managed out, arms wrapping around her and squeezing tightly. She smiled softly and pet his head. The door opened to Mr. Shadwell’s room and she glanced up, smiling softly. He stood and watched them a moment, leaning into the doorway. He held something in his hands and fidgeted with it a moment, searching for the right words to say.

“Are you alright, Mr. Shadwell?” Tracy asked. Crowley perked up and looked over to him. He thought it was odd that she’d address her husband in such a way- and they lived across the hall from one another he assumed from when they walked in? 

“Is like a word with young Mr. Crowley.” Shadwell requested, stepping closer. Tracy nodded and stroked through Crowley’s hair once more before standing.

“Your friend is on her way, dear. I’ll wait for her at the door.” She smiled kindly and headed up the stairs, back out of the small apartment. Shadwell stepped closer and took her seat on the couch. He had a shining gold necklace in his hand with a ring.

“Your father… He was a damn good man, Anthony. I felt no greater pain in my life when I lost him so many years ago…” He paused. Crowley saw his jaw clench, and knew he hadn’t talked about him in decades at this point. Neither had Crowley though… He was only eleven when he passed, he kept that bottled inside for decades.

“He wasn’t around much… Army and all…” Crowley nodded, “When I did see him though… It was like he never left. I was too young to remember much…”

“Something I regret… I had so much time with him and you so little. I never did have a chance to meet you but he talked about you quite a bit. See… We were such close friends, Anthony…” Crowley could see his eyes tearing up, “We were so close. Your mother knew… Tracy knew but they married us anyway.”

Crowley frowned and stared at him. What the hell was that supposed-

Oh…  _ OH. _

“You were… You and my father were…  _ together _ together?”

“Ah… Aye, laddie… I’m sorry you were too young to know and I never could find you… I wanted to give this to you all these years. He gave it to me.”

Crowley felt his mind spinning as he watched this man- his father’s… boyfriend? Shadwell fumbled with the chain and handed it to Crowley slowly, as if it were going to turn to dust and fly away in a breeze. Crowley held his hands out and took it, inspecting the ring that was hanging from the middle.

“It’s… It’s beautiful.” Crowley gasped. Two angel wings, intricately detailed. They circled around the wearer’s finger completely. Where they met in the middle there was a crest, a lion with a crown above it’s head. There were four diamonds above the lion in the crown, giving him the regality he deserved. The entire piece was heavy, certainly made of gold.

“He gave this to me a month or so before he died… A promise that when the war was over we’d be together. I want you to have it, Anthony. Give it to the young lad you’re so smitten with when you’re ready.” He offered a wobbly smile, toothy and yet… empty.

“I couldn’t… This is so important to you, you hardly know me.”

“I know you well enough, Anthony. He was important to me… Just like this man is important to you. I know your father would have wanted you to have it.”

“Thank you…” Crowley said quietly, slipping the chain around his neck and touching the ring sadly, “Really… Thank you for… My life back… For knowing my father…”

“Nah, it’s nothin’, laddie.” Shadwell waved him off, but turned and wiped his eyes.

“Do you- I mean would you mind if I came to visit more? If you wouldn’t mind telling me stories about him, that is. I’ll… I’ll try to bring Zira… I mean if we work everything out…”

Shadwell smiled and stood, nodding. He held a hand down and helped Crowley to stand, pulling him in tightly to a hug, “I think I’d like that, laddie. I wouldn’t mind that at all.” He pulled away and ruffled his hair affectionately, Crowley grumbling at the mess and fixing it immediately.

“Anthony?!” 

Ana’s voice shouted from the doorway. Tracy stood behind her and watched as she jumped the stairs to grab him tightly, “Anthony jesus  _ fuck _ what happened? Your face- Tracy was just telling me you… You almost jumped off a bridge?!”

“Ah… Yeah… This is-”

“You’re not leaving my damn  _ sight _ , you hear me? You are staying with us, and you are going to eat, and… and sing with me…  _ fuck _ Anthony!” She had tears streaming down her cheeks and she grabbed him closely, holding him tightly.

“This is Sarge Shadwell… He’s the one that saved me. He’s… He’s basically my second father that I never knew.” Crowley choked out, his body smushed up against hers. Ana pulled away and looked to him, pausing a moment, before moving Crowley away and hugging Shadwell tightly.

“You  _ saved _ him… Anthony is like a brother to me and you saved his  _ life _ … I can never thank you enough.” She cried softly, holding him tightly. Shadwell pushed her away and wrinkled his nose.

“Aye, aye… You best be thankin’ Mrs. Shadwell up there. She’s the one that does all the talkin’.”

“Oh I have… we have.  _ Fuck _ Anthony don’t you  _ ever _ … Fuck!” She growled, hugging him again and squeezing. It was nowhere near fixing anything, but her holding him, her emotion showing through her face and the tears… It was bringing his broken soul back together, bringing something Crowley shaped back to life.

“Alright, alright… Let’s let these two live their lives and you can swear at me later, yeah?” Crowley looked to Tracy with a small smile. 

He felt so much better than he did hours ago. He knew he still had a way to go, and quite a recovery to make mentally but he had support. He had  _ friends _ . Most importantly… He had family. He didn’t know Shadwell from a hole in the wall, but Crowley remembered that ring. It was one small memory that he kept of him. His father wore it every day. He said it was for his friend, and he was going to give it to him as a promise they’d be friends forever. Crowley knew he must have gotten it resized, Shadwell’s fingers were much thicker than his own… But he was the closest thing he could have to a father. Anathema would say this was fate, she would say it was written in the stars and the charts. But Crowley knew… His father was helping him from the other side, it must have been fate. He’d never tell Anathema that...

“Ah! Before you go, laddie take this too…” Shadwell ran back into his room and came out with a small framed photo, “It’s… I have plenty of pictures of us together but you should have one if you don’t… I mean I’m in there but I’m plenty younger too-”

“It’s perfect.” Crowley smiled and touched the old wooden frame surrounding the photo. It was his father, with Shadwell. They were on the streets of London in what seemed to be the late 1960’s, mop tops and interesting choices of clothing gave it away. 

Crowley retrieved his notebook and thanked both Mr. and Mrs. Shadwell, hugging them tightly. He promised to visit, he took their numbers so he could call and gave his own. When they were out the door, Ana grabbed him again and pulled him into a rib crushing hug.

“Alright, alright, piss off, Ana.” He grumbled, gripping his items in one hand and pushing her away with the other.

“Anthony… You’re all busted up and… You just tried to… What the  _ fuck _ am I supposed to do? Walk with you and say it’s fine, you’re alive so let’s move on?”

“Yes…”

“ _ Fuck _ no!” Ana growled, squeezing tighter, “I don’t want to lose you, dummy. You’re… You’re my brother. You’re my best friend, Crowley. Why… What happened? Your eye is all swollen… Your lip…?”

“My car is just up ahead a bit… I’ll tell you while we drive. Just… Let me enjoy walking, alright?”

They walked a bit to find the Bentley. Crowley took in everything as they strolled, and didn’t say a word. There were trees, birds singing, people talking. There was a small park and a playground with mothers, fathers and children running around happily.  _ This  _ was life.  _ This.  _ Fuck everything else,  _ this _ was worth living for. He didn’t want a band, he didn’t want this rushing around, drinking, depressed lifestyle anymore. He wanted Zira… Oh how desperately he wanted Zira. He was starting to understand that just wanting him wasn’t enough. He  _ craved _ that perfect blonde. He had to work for him, to get him back. He had to show Zira how he appreciated him, and he would treat him like he should, like he deserved. Crowley only hoped he wouldn’t find out about this.

First thing’s first. He had to work on himself. He needed a  _ lot _ of work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Allow me to explain.
> 
> So my secret HC is Crowley had a ‘thing’ with young Shadwell because c’mon, he was a stud in his heyday! So I maybe incorporated this a bit into the story. 😉 
> 
> Other secret HC? Aziraphale and Burbage back in 1601 at the Globe? C’mon.


	5. Got To Make It On My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley settles into a routine with help. Over time he finds he's changing, and maybe it has something to do with those around him. Ana's wedding is coming up soon, and in planing he has an unexpected run in...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! First, thank you so much for your kind comments! I really enjoy how this seems to be striking such a chord with you - no musical pun intended. ;-) A friendly reminder there will be not one, not two, but three whole updates this week! Monday - Wednesday - Friday.
> 
> We do a bit of a time jump within the chapter, so be prepared. One moment we're here, then we're there, and then finally we get to the point where our story really takes place, 16 months (Oh about a year and a half) after our story began. Did you get all that? Eh, you'll be fine I promise. 
> 
> This week's title comes from Mr. Mercury, darling. Got to make it on my own.
> 
> [I Want To Break Free - Queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vCYXa53YuQ)
> 
> (Look at me learning how to actually make a link work in here... >.>

They got to the Bentley and Crowley told Ana everything that had happened after she left. How he was already feeling depressed, and had never thought about hurting himself before. He told her what happened with the band, the fight they had. He told her how he saw Zira outside and what he’d said. Crowley dug deep for some leftover courage and told her about the bridge, and about Shadwell… What Tracy had said to him…

“Anthony… What do we do now? Do… Do you think you need professional help? I think you should maybe see someone…”

“I need to get back to my place, and get a notebook. I have to write.”

“What- no, Anthony you need to  _ see someone.  _ A  _ professional _ .”

“Yea… I want to… Just… I need to write this...” Crowley tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. He was composing, thinking of words, listening, watching the road… Good thing it was a short drive. Ana continued to tell him some local people he could meet with that would help him- if he needed medication or hospitalization… Crowley didn’t listen. He just nodded and parked in his spot, flying out of the car with his notebook and photo, walking to his apartment. He was bobbing his head, notes flying through his lips as he hummed.

“Anthony!”

Crowley was at his door and fumbling for his keys, tapping a finger to keep the beat.

“Anthony...” Ana was suddenly next to him, jingling keys in his face like a cat with a string, “Anthony, please talk to me...”

“No time, have to write this down.” He nodded, patting her cheek and running into the apartment building. She sighed and ran up after him, right into his apartment.

“What are you writing?”

“Our song… I have to work. You… I do want to see a therapist… I’ve needed one for years, Ana. Right now though, if you want to stay that’s fine. I’m not jumping off any more bridges until I win him back.”

Ana blinked and her eyes widened, eyebrows raised but turning quickly into a frown.

“And if you don’t?”

“I  _ will _ .” Crowley said with utmost determination. He paused and looked at her. She stepped back and nodded, “Let me know if you want me to play anything for you… I’m gonna call Newt, tell him what’s going on.”

Crowley nodded, humming softly and writing vigorously. He was on to something, he was inspired and needed to grasp what he was feeling at the moment, immediately. 

*~**~*

Months past. Crowley composed, created, and most importantly saw a therapist several times a week. They helped him see where he was before, currently, and what his future could be. He quit drinking. He threw away his bottles. When he rarely did have a drink, it was when he was with Ana and Newt who helped him to regulate his intake. He always kept it to one glass of red, Zira’s favorite. Crowley was given medication for his anxiety and depression, which settled down his nerves. Most importantly, he started to cope with Zira, with losing him and yet wanting him. With the band being assholes and assaulting him- they did suggest seeking out a lawyer for the attack and potentially forging his signature on any documents that left him out of the money he would be owed… Crowley decided to be the bigger person though. He was moving on, and Anthony Crowley would not lower himself like that. He was changing, inside and out. It was like fucking puberty all over again.

“Fuck!!” He yelled, slamming his hands on the piano keys. He rested his head down on them, sighing.

“ _ Now _ what? That sounded perfect!” Ana said, doodling angry cartoons of Crowley at the piano. She grinned at the likeness.

“No… No this has to be better than perfect Ana. It has to be immaculate. I can’t play just perfect for him- oh…” Crowley stood up and ran to his drawer that held his notebooks, throwing them over his shoulder and grumbling.

“ _ Now _ what?”

“Perfect… Perfect… Perfect!” He declared, flipping through a notebook, “Hold on I need to use this tempo… and this word…”

“What the hell are you up to now? Can you focus that brilliant mind on one song at a time?”

“Yeah… Sure fine. Therapist said this is good for me. Creative process, keeps my mind...” Crowley’s thoughts trailed off. He grabbed a pencil from the drawer and started writing, humming softly, “Can you play this?” He reached back to the drawer and pulled out a page of sheet music, eyes never leaving his notebook. Ana raised an eyebrow delicately and took the paper, looking at the notes.

“Sure… What is it now?”

“Song… Wedding song. More or less. More… wait…” Crowley scribbled something out and wrote vigorously.

“Anthony slow down… You’re gonna give  _ me _ a panic attack.”

“Alright. You- Wait… Are you pregnant yet?”

“The fuck?! No! Why would you even ask that!” Ana snapped, “Stupid question, come over here while I play so I don’t snap your neck.”

Crowley gave her a cheeky grin and stepped to the bench, standing beside it as Ana sat. She put the music down in front of her, before she scrunched her fingers. She started to slowly get used to the melody and smiled, looking to Crowley.

“This is one Zira composed… Isn't it?”

Crowley nodded, smiling lovingly, “They all are.”

He sang and she played. They shared notes and critiqued one another for hours, late into the night. They rehearsed the song for weeks, nearly a month or so until it was, in fact, perfect. They did this with several songs, Crowley working on solo songs on the side. He was able to be alone at nights and never left his piano or guitar for long. He refused to give up, to stop trying, to be nothing. 

~**~**~

Nearly an entire year passed, and suddenly April came around. Crowley had been separated from Zira for 16 months, and it’d been a year since the bridge incident. He made plans with the Shadwell’s to visit on Tuesdays, spending hours listening to their stories and telling his own. He regularly saw his therapist, took his medication and was in a superbly better place. He was creating, singing, becoming a better person than he had ever been

Currently, it was two weeks before Ana’s wedding and things were really starting up. The press caught wind that Mr. Anthony Crowley was indeed alive and was sporting a very new look. He had much longer hair, elegantly combed back out of his face. It was nearly shoulder length at this point, which Ana didn’t mind. He still wore tight jeans, but matched them with button down shirts and a vest over them. Unfortunately for Ana, he had kept a  _ beard _ . Handsome and close shaven, but a  _ beard,  _ nonetheless. Ana has set him an appointment with a barber for a shave the day before the wedding in France. She  _ refused _ to like beards, especially at her wedding. The biggest change the press had noticed was the guitar case clung over his back. He carried it everywhere he went lately, especially when he was visiting Ana's. Their rehearsals continued… Up until now.

Zira was going to show up in his life again. They had to meet with the bride and groom for specifications of the wedding as it was out of the country. Ana and Newt had scheduled them to come at separate times to their home. 

Crowley stood outside their apartment and knocked. He was patiently waiting outside Ana’s door when he heard that angelic voice.

“Anthony...” 

Crowley turned and felt his mouth dry, his heart stop, and his nerves caught fire. His therapist told him to breathe, to remember he was just a person… But he would never be  _ just  _ a person, it was Zira.

“Zi- Zira I- Hi… I didn’t know you were going to be here?”

“I didn’t know you were coming now either…” Zira spoke. His cheeks flushing a soft pink, “I um… Your hair… I like it long...”

“Yeah? Thanks… Ana’s making me lose the scruffle though.” Crowley ran a hand over his chin and throat.

“Oh- I’m… Not a big fan to be honest…” Zira nodded, swallowing. He kept his distance.

“Zira we don’t have to do this...”

“No… No it’s fine… Ana says you’ve been working on new songs with her? A different sound?”

“We’ve been using your sheet music… I um… I need your permission to use it though.” Crowley looked down at his feet, tapping a toe shyly.

“Oh… Sure, I don’t mind. Do you need me to sign something?”

“No, no… It’s just-“

“The  _ hell _ are you both doing here?!” Ana slammed the door open and yelled. Crowley jumped back, holding his chest.

“You told me three!” He yelped.

“Newt told me three, as well…” Zira added.

Ana scowled, and Crowley could swear her eye was twitching. She held the door open, allowing them in. Crowley allowed Zira first and walked in after, sheepishly. She frowned at him and glared to the side at Newt, who shrugged.

“Sorry… If you guys don’t want to do this together we can go-” He started. Zira held up a hand.

“We’re going to have to… The wedding is in two weeks and we’ll be seeing quite a bit of each other. Are you alright, Anthony?”

Crowley jumped at his name, “Hm? Yeah I’m fine… Ana, Zira said we can use the music.” He added.

“Great. Fine. Now, down to business.”

The four discussed rehearsal dinner planning and seating, details of the day of the wedding at the venue. The reception was to follow shortly after the ceremony on site at the chateau, with Crowley singing during their first dance. He refused to give details about the song choice, as it was between himself and Ana. There was not going to be any silly throwing of garters or bouquets. Ana decided on most of the food, as Newt was exceedingly busy with his company. 

“You made  _ no  _ decisions?” Zira gasped.

“Nope. I trust Ana. She told me what she was doing but it was all perfect, every detail. We talked about things I maybe didn’t like but… That wasn’t much besides the main course choices. We handled it… No, sorry,  _ she _ handled it.” Newt smiled at her and touched her hand softly, squeezing. Crowley felt a hand squeezing his heart right out of his chest. He mentally prepared himself for this- it’s alright that Zira doesn’t want him. He may not like him, and Crowley is not perfect for everyone. He may warm up some day… Today may not be the day.

“I gotta go…” Zira gasped out. He stood, knocking his chair back and made his way to the door quickly. Crowley looked to his friends and bit his lip.

“Let me…” he said bravely. He stood and quickly went after Zira, out the door and to the hallway.

“Zira… Zira wait.”

“Anthony don’t-“

“I want to make sure you’re alright. I didn’t know you were going to be here, honest. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or upset.”

“Too late for that…” Zira snapped. He quickly put a hand over his mouth, eyes wide.

“I deserve that. I’d really like for this to be civil… I don’t want to put stress on them because of us, you know?”

“They told me about the bridge.” Zira dropped his hand, bringing them both to fidget in front of his stomach nervously.

“Oh.” Crowley stiffened. It was just a matter of time before they talked about it. It wasn’t the best time or place, but it was never going to be. Crowley stayed quiet, biting his bottom lip and waiting for Zira.

“I’ve wanted…” Zira paused and his eyes darted back and forth, searching for the right words, “I’ve wanted to call you. I wasn’t sure I should… I was so  _ scared, _ Anthony.”

“Me too…”

“I… I did that to you…” Anthony could see the tears brimming in Zira’s eyes, the struggle to keep them from spilling over, “It’s my fault… Anthony I’m so… I was here with them when it happened. Ana wouldn’t let me come with her.”

“ _ No.  _ No, Zira it wasn’t your fault.” Crowley pushed back. This is what he’d been afraid of. Zira was the last time he saw before he stepped on that bridge. He needed Zira to relinquish any thoughts like this he was having. “I stepped onto that railing, no one told me to. I’ve come to terms with it and… I’m in a better place now than I have ever been in my life. I feel lighter. I feel...  _ free. _ ”

“Free?” 

“Mm… No band encouraging me to make terrible decisions, no pressure to have that stupid look and vibe. I quit drinking. I’m seeing a therapist and… They help me when it’s too hard… Even without you, Zira… Without you… I don’t have…” Crowley paused and leaned against the wall in the hallway, hands behind his back. He thought. Without Zira… His therapist told him not to think like this, to talk to him about these things yet… He closed his eyes, shutting out the world, those stupid thoughts of failure and distrust.

“Without me… You… You don't have what?” Zira asked quietly. He stepped closer to stand in front of Crowley, his blue eyes opening to catch gold. Crowley felt a pit growing in his stomach, full of regrets.

“I know how terrible I treated you, Zira… How horrible of a person I was. We don’t have to be afraid of that person anymore, of treating you like complete shit. I’ve come to...” Crowley’s eyes watered and he fisted his hands at his sides, nails digging into the skin, “I’ve-”

“Anthony...”

“I’ve come to recognize all the ways I failed you… me… no, us. How sorry I am for all of it… How much better you deserve.”

Zira caught himself leaning forward, looking to Crowley’s lips. He was still so magnetic, Zira still couldn’t help himself. Crowley’s head thumped back against the wall, pulling away from his approach. Zira gasped and took a step back, catching himself. He grabbed the bottom of his shirt nervously, “I- I have to go…” He managed to get out, “I’ll see you around.”

With that, Zira was gone. Anthony watched him walk away, that pit growing in his stomach. He thumped his head against the wall again, trying to fight the panic attack that was coming. That could have been worse- No… that should have been worse. He was glad it happened… Dive in head first, and all that.

“Fuck.” Crowley sighed. He slid down the wall and buried his head into his knees, hands slipping into his hair in distress. He needed to call his therapist. Panic was setting in, and his nerves were electrified.

“What happened?” Ana’s voice came from the doorway. She came to kneel next to him, a hand tentatively touching his shoulder.

“I- I told him… I apologized… I told him he deserved better…”

“Anthony… Are you alright?”

“Yeah… Yeah I’ll be alright… Gotta make a call, need some water, take a pill.”

Crowley met with his therapist that night, just for an extra boost of support before what he thought were going to be the hardest two weeks of his life. Luckily those last two weeks flew by. He didn’t see Zira as often as he thought he would since they were on opposite sides. They were on separate flights to France, arriving on separate days. 

Their rooms however, may have been on the same floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...
> 
> We are in France the rest of the week for the wedding. I'm going to add the links/pictures that I found of their wedding tuxes and of course, Ana's dress which is *chefs kiss*. 
> 
> Also, I want to mention I -am- on tumblr if you'd like to chat, but I hardly use it (porn bots = nausea.). You are so more than welcome to find me there but I'm more on IG than anywhere. :3


	6. I'm Thinking Outloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of the rehearsal dinner. The wedding ceremony. Crowley is in the same room as Zira for nearly all of it... How do they get on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... This chapter has all the feels, and get ready to sway with the music...
> 
> Lo and behold! Some beautiful wedding garb. 👀
> 
> [The Gentlemen, in a variety of colors.](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/tom-ford-windsor-base-peak-lapel-tuxedo-prod182390052?childItemId=NMN3GYM_&navpath=cat000000_cat000470_cat14120827_cat48770732&page=0&position=1&uuid=PDP_PAGINATION_388e075b4c8077591bad8818815f4c25_AykG2urP6LBCIX906kXQaMUtMairhOiN3qtC6DUG.jsession)
> 
> [Ana’s Dramatic Dress](https://www.maggiesottero.com/sottero-and-midgley/zander/11869)
> 
> This is one of the main songs that inspired me to write this fic. 🥰
> 
> [Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA)
> 
> Enjoy some dramatic fluffy love.

The wedding was being held at the Chateau d’Esclimont, right outside of Paris. It was a beautiful hotel on the water with perfectly manicured grounds, water surrounding it. There was a tent outside for the reception, the ceremony would be held inside. There were only a few rooms available in the Chateau hotel for guests- Crowley and Zira were able to book two separate rooms for themselves, but they hardly saw one another during the week before while they were there. Crowley spent most of his time in his hotel suite rehearsing his songs. Zira spent most of his time helping to write vows and speeches. When they did see one another it was quiet, polite conversation. It was extremely awkward…

The night of the rehearsal dinner came. All the wedding guests were in attendance- 400 or more at least outside under a tent. Ana and Newt sat next to one another at a sweetheart table. Crowley stayed next to the bar most of the night, enjoying everything from a Shirley Temple to a Roy Rogers while his seat remained empty. Zira was sitting with Newt’s family and kept an eye on Crowley, watching him. Crowley had been clean shaven earlier at a salon. His hair was curled and pulled back, a few strands falling around his face. It was so inviting, to reach out and touch the sot tendrils and brush them behind his ear. To lean in and- Zira was feeling things… He had to shake this off.

Dinner was served, and Crowley finally sat in his seat. Food was followed by several toasts and speeches given by family and friends. Finally it was Crowley’s turn. He stood from his chair and made his way to a small stage on the side of the tent. He bent down to his guitar case that he’d been lugging around for the past months. Something the press had noticed back home. He never brought his instruments around like that, let alone an acoustic instrument. Zira noticed the case, and he knew… He knew immediately what it was and felt his breath catch.

“Good evening, everyone… I’m Anthony Crowley, I’m not dead and I’ve not been abducted by aliens.” He smiled, allowing a moment for the guests to laugh. Zira smiled and wiped his eye- that was the first smile he’d seen from Crowley in 16 months. It was beautiful.

“I’ve been working on a few things lately. Ana’s been helping me to stay alive and relevant, and Newt has helped me to… stay with Ana.”

More laughter- Crowley didn’t even think that was funny. He continued to smile regardless, meeting blue eyes and feeling his cheeks flush. Ana and Newt watched him from their table, holding hands and waiting patiently. Crowley cleared his throat and gave the guitar a strum. He looked back and found a stool, pulling it close. He kept a foot on the ground, half sitting on the stool with his other foot up.

“Here’s a little thing I put together for the wonderful couple… I can’t give speeches obviously, so this is what you get. Enjoy…” He looked into blue eyes one last time and back down to the guitar strings. He plucked a few, and began.

“... So baby now… 

Take me into your loving arms. 

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.

Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart. 

I'm thinking out loud-

That maybe, we found love right where we are…” 

Crowley gazed at Zira the entire song, nervous through the performance. He grit his teeth and furrowed his brow as he passionately sang for them- no, for him. Ana danced with Newt, kissing one another lovingly as they held each other, swaying to the acoustic melody. Crowley didn’t see them, he didn’t even notice. This was his first time singing anything like this in front of an audience. Hell, more importantly in front of Zira. He was entranced… He was emotional. It hurt…

As he finished singing he stood and gave a wave, walking off the stage quickly and away from the party with his guitar. His nerves were on end. His heart was in his throat, his throat was clenched. He just… He couldn’t believe he just sang that, for Zira, finally… He needed solitude, he needed… He needed this horrible feeling of guilt and remorse to end.

He walked until the sound from the party was drowned out and he sat next to a small lake on the grounds. He shivered and lay back in the grass, guitar laying on his stomach, looking up at the sky, clear and full of stars. He loved the stars… He loved Zira… He was in trouble. He couldn’t go back to the party… He didn’t want to see him, so close but as out of reach as he’d been. Tomorrow would be even harder.

Hours passed. Crowley finally left his spot by the lake and went back to his room. He needed a good night sleep, he needed rest and most importantly, he needed to take his medication. His anxiety was through the roof, and his therapist gave him something to help him stay grounded. He took his pills and fell asleep easily, dreaming of soft golden curls and bright blue eyes. 

In the morning he awoke to Ana banging on the door, over the top excited to get ready. It was  _ way _ too early in the morning. He politely told her to fuck off and go get her hair done, and that 6am was entirely too early for any human to be awake.

Hours later, Crowley was walking Ana down the aisle. He wore a classic black tuxedo with a white vest and matching bowtie. Ana’s dress was black lace, long sleeved, backless, low cut in the front. The train in the back was extremely long, trailing behind her down the aisle. It was runway worthy, and probably cost just as much. Crowley held her arm and smiled, proud as punch, chin tilted up. 

“You alright?” He whispered to her, holding her arm.

“Amazing… Absolutely amazing, Anthony look at him.” She swooned, holding him and staring at Newt. He wore all white, the same tuxedo as Crowley, to compliment Ana’s black dress. Next to him, however, was Zira in a similar white tux. Crowley’s heart dropped and he felt his cheeks flush softly. It was the first time he’d seen him since he sang the night before… He had goosebumps flaring all over his body.

“Yeah… I see him.” He whispered, keeping his eyes on the front of the guests. They made it to the front and Crowley gave Ana a kiss on the cheek, whispering, “Congrats… I uh… I love you.”

She sniffed and kissed his cheek in return, stroking his face, “I love you too, Anthony.” She winked and turned, grabbing Newt’s hands tightly. Crowley stepped to the side, one hand behind his back and the other holding her bouquet. He needed a distraction, somewhere to look, somewhere to avoid those piercing blue eyes. His mind raced. He used to dream of standing up before everyone with Zira, dressed like they were, ready to commit to lifetimes together… 

“Fuck.” He breathed. He jumped and realized it was said aloud before he bit his lip. He half paid attention to the ceremony, the vows were the only thing worth hearing since Zira had helped to write them. He gripped Ana’s bouquet tightly, probably breaking several stems. He couldn’t listen. They were beautifully done, spreading warmth and love through the entire room and all in it. Lyrical prose about love being patient, kind, knowing when it is right and admitting when it is wrong. 

He looked at the flowers and shouted at himself. Don’t imagine… Don’t imagine Zira’s elegant voice reading those words, don’t look at him as they were spoken. Don’t… Don’t hope there was a draft of these words where  _ he _ was the intended recipient… Crowley glanced up and caught Zira’s eye, his body stiffening. His cheeks flushed, his heart raced, and it was that moment he realized… 

The ring Shadwell had given to him from his Father… 

He had to give it to Zira… This was it- today- it had to happen. They still had time, it was early afternoon and the party would last all evening. He had to promise him the world, his undying love- No, no… too sappy. He had to promise that he needed Zira in his life and how much he truly meant to him. 

The song… That song… a lump came into Crowley’s throat and he touched his chest where the ring lay. He had to… 

Suddenly a very loud cheer thundered through the room and Crowley snapped back to attention. He smiled and clapped, giving an “oof!” as Ana jumped and hugged him tightly. 

“Congrats, Princess.”

“You better talk to him, or I will not let you sing tonight.”

“Gah, fine! Go be with your husband!” Crowley stammered out, pushing her away. She giggled, giddy. She took her broken bouquet back and grabbed Newt away from Zira, walking back down the aisle.

Crowley looked up into blue eyes and swallowed, stepping closer to him.

“Zira…”

“Anthony I’ve been trying to find you since last night!” He grabbed Crowley’s hands, squeezing them tightly between them. His cheeks were a deep red, and Crowley bet his pulse was racing just as his own was, “Your song last night… Oh Crowley, it was so beautiful… I wanted to talk to you-“

“Now’s not a great time Zira… We have to go.” Crowley nodded toward Ana who was glaring at them, “Can we walk and talk?”

“Oh… Oh! Yes, I can do that…” Zira looked to his right, and they simultaneously realized they were standing right where Ana and Newt had been- under a beautiful arch of greenery and white roses, and were holding hands. Zira quickly pulled his hands away, clasping them together in front of him shyly. Crowley felt cold at the loss.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Crowley muttered, hands coming behind his back as they began their descent down the aisle. Zira stepped with him, hands fumbling together.

“I wanted to talk in private… It’s… If it’s alright with you? Do we have any time before the reception?”

“No, ‘fraid not. We have to be in pictures and that takes forever… It starts about now.”

”It’s important…” Zira fretted. They continued to walk out, Crowley slipping his sunglasses on quickly. As they got out of the castle Zira pulled Crowley to the side and took one of his hands.

“Zira what? What can’t wait? I don’t-“

“I miss you…” Zira clenched his eyes shut and gripped his hand, “Anthony… I miss you.”

Crowley felt like he was just shot with a bazooka. Or the moon smashed onto him. Or maybe he was picked up and shot put into the sun.

“You… what did you say?”

“Don’t make me say it again…”

“Say it… I want to hear it.” Crowley pressed, his free hand resting on top of Zira’s.

_ ‘I need to hear it, Zira… I need this to be real.’  _ He thought.

“I miss you… I’ve thought so hard these past weeks and… Anthony I miss you.”

“Zira… We-”

“ANTHONY!” Ana yelled, face red and angry. Crowley felt his stomach drop and looked to her, back to Zira. 

“C’mon…” he dropped Zira’s hands but offered his arm instead. Zira flushed and looped his arm into Crowley’s, his other hand touching his bicep.

“Newt has been keeping me informed about your recovery… Said I was smart to let you go since it made you change so much the past year…”

“Oh? Do go on.” Crowley smirked.

“Stop…” Zira smiled, squeezing his arm tightly, “He said you’re a completely different person… You’ve met a very close friend of your fathers?”

Crowley stiffened and stopped walking as they had reached where the pictures were being taken. He took Zira’s hands and looked at where they met.

“I did… Did he tell you about…”

“Nothing, just that you met him.”

“I see-“

“ANTHONY JENNIFER CROWLEY!”

“I’m quite certain that’s not your middle name…” Zira laughed. Crowley shrugged.

“It’s a J… Close enough. My turn.” Crowley winked and dropped his hands, walking to the bride theatrically waving his arms, “Yes, my fairest Princess, whatever can I humbly do for you?”

Zira watched him walk away. Crowley knew- he felt eyes on him and when he turned he saw those blues burning into his back. Crowley was so in love, he wanted to burst. He couldn’t mess this up… He had to make things right.

They all took their required photos. The couple, alone, the best man, and the man of honor. They mix and matched in every which way imaginable, then with parents, special guests, Crowley was shocked they didn’t take a picture with every blade of grass on the lawn. He stood with Zira and they laughed between themselves, making jokes at the expense of the guests in front of the camera.

Crowley was watching Ana taking several photos with Zira when Newt snuck up next to him.

“You know… He asks about you all the time. He really does miss you.”

“Yeah?”

“Said he wished you weren’t such a self centered asshole.”

“Hm… those would be your words?”

“More or less.” Newt smiled, pushing his glasses up, “But see I was thinking, since you’re here, perhaps we could talk a bit of business? I know your manager right now is a complete-“

“Anthony! Come get one of you and Zira!”

Crowley paled. The world turned to black and white for that moment except for Zira standing and staring just the same.

“I’m not sure that would…”

“I don’t think that’s…”

“Go!” Ana snapped, pointing toward the blonde. Crowley swallowed and walked to him, thoughts circling in his mind.

_ Don’t trip, don’t fall, don’t vomit, don’t make an idiot of yourself, don’t say anything stupid, you’re completely sober don’t act like you’re a shitfaced asswipe. _

“Alright?” Zira asked, holding a hand out. Crowley looked at it. The softest skin, manicured nails, and... a wrist watch poking out that Crowley had given him years and years ago for his birthday?

“You kept it…”

“Your guitar has the same inscription…” Zira flushed as Crowley touched his hand gently.

“For the brightest star in my sky…” Crowley said softly. He took Zira’s hand and brought his knuckles up closer to his lips, kissing them gently, “Zira I-“

“Turn and face me please?” The photographer smiled from behind the camera. Crowley and Zira looked at them, faces pink. They turned to stand side by side and smiled.

“Could you take your sunglasses off?”

Anthony forgot he’d put them on. He nodded, opening his jacket and folding them into a pocket. He grinned at Zira, noticing the lovely flush creeping up his cheeks. The photographer made sure to capture that look, and a dozen or so other candid looks they shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anthony Jennifer Crowley. Yep, I'm going with it.
> 
> Oh I hope you're ready. Friday we are hitting that E rating. Buckle. The fudge. Up.


	7. Dive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley sings for the happy couple at their reception. He finally gets to talk with Zira about their relationship.
> 
> Rated E. Very much so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hello once again. Happy Friday! I’m so thrilled we’re getting to this point. Yeah, filth fine. But this is such an important chapter besides that. Eee! Halfway done?! I’m sobbing in husbands.
> 
> There's a _lot_ of NSFW/E rated activity... And a _lot_ of talking. It's 5,757 words so... there's a lot to it. :3
> 
> I should be back to Monday/Thursday updates next week if you’re alright with that? Like you have a choice. Muahaha. 
> 
> This chapter’s song... But there's two other song nuggets in the fic itself.
> 
> [Dive - Ed Sheeran](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv2rLZmbPMA)

As the reception began, Crowley was at the side of the stage making last minute plans with Ana. He was nervous- he was so damn nervous. This was the song, his song for him and he was gifting it to Ana for her first song. She didn’t want it, the one the night before was fine. But he decided he’d sing a second for them, regardless. He’d worked tirelessly on this, it was Zira’s music and his words. Ana was talking him down, soothing him to be able to perform. Newt and Zira were making the rounds, thanking guests for coming and asking them to sit with their drinks.

The time came. 

Ana peered over to Newt and waved him over to the stage. He was constantly in her sight, as was she. He excused himself from a very old woman and came to her side, kissing her temple.

“We’re ready?” He asked.

“No… _You’re_ ready.”

“Anthony shut up and play the damn song.” Ana snapped, glaring him down. Crowley shrunk and, defeated, stepped up to the stage. He held his guitar and leaned into the microphone, trembling when he found those blue eyes.

“Welcome guests… I’ve written a song for our lovely couples first dance together as husband and wife. It’s not the same as last night, don’t you worry. I- um…” He froze and stared at Zira. It’s not for them… It's for _you_. He wanted to tell him but no… He gave a wink to the blonde and stepped back, “It’s called Perfect. So now uh… Here’s the new couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pulsifer.”

He took in a shaking breath and caught Ana’s eye as she and Newt stepped out to applause and cheers. He waited a moment, watching as they faced one another. Newt’s hands wrapped around her waist and her arms around his shoulders. A hush fell over the tent. Crowley’s deep voice cut right into it.

“...I found a love… For me… 

Darling just dive right in, and follow my lead. 

I found a girl. Beautiful and sweet. I never knew you were the someone waiting for me…” 

Crowley kept his eyes on Zira as long as he could before his voice threatened to crack into a sob. He sang, strumming Zira’s tune on the guitar, singing for him, his one love, his truest love.

Until Ana joined for the second half, surprising the entire tent except Crowley.

“Well I found a man… 

Stronger than anyone I know. 

He shares my dreams, I hope that someday, he’ll share my home… 

Oh I found a love. To carry more than just my secrets. 

To carry love, to carry children of our own…”

They continued to sing together, perfect harmony as rehearsed, pitch perfect. Newton stood with Zira and sniffed, wiping his eye. Zira watched- completely torn as to what to do, where to go. 

Toward the end of the song, Ana walked off the stage to hug Newt and sway with him a bit, kissing him lovingly. Crowley couldn’t hold it back- his voice cracked.

“Now I know I have met an angel in person, and he looks perfect… 

No, I don't deserve you… 

You look perfect tonight.”

He allowed a few tears to fall as he strummed the last chords. Everyone applauded, a roar of cheers rang through the tent. Crowley ran off the stage- he thought he was going to hyperventilate into a puddle of his own tears and then vomit, maybe not in that exact order. He was scared of what was going to happen after that with Zira. He hoped he knew his words were the truth, and really did mean something. 

He made it down the back stairs and stopped dead in his tracks. 

Zira was there, waiting.

Neither said a word but stared at one another for a moment. Zira’s face was red, tears streaking down his cheeks. His eyes were still wet, but he said nothing. He reached a hand out to Crowley, their hands clasping together before Zira began to walk before him. He led Crowley back to the castle. They walked through the halls and to what Crowley assumed was Zira’s room, as he unlocked the door and led Crowley inside.

Once the door was closed and locked, Crowley took the guitar off his shoulder. Zira took it and set it aside. Finally, Crowley had to say _something_.

“Zira…”

Zira grabbed his face and kissed him, bullying Crowley up against a wall. Crowley saw stars, his eyes closing, hands coming up to touch Zira’s waist. Oh it _was_ perfect. It was warm and sensual, but needy and wanting. Zira pushed their waists together and they both groaned, his arms coming to lace around Crowley’s neck. 

Crowley pulled away, “Bathroom…” He whispered against his lips, “Trust me,”

Zira nodded, pulling him along by his trousers. He tried to walk and unbutton at the same time- which was harder than he thought. Crowley moaned against his lips and batted his hands away, undoing his own trousers before working on Zira’s. He managed to undo them as he pushed Zira against the sink, a hand shoving in to grab his already throbbing cock.

“Ah… Anthony… Why- Why bathroom…?” He managed as Crowley pumped his cock. Fuck he missed this, touching him. He cried out softly as Zira’s hand found his prick, pumping fast.

“Ha…! I wa- want to see you… I’ve only been imagining it… since I got here… Where I want to be with you… Fuck Zira… _Fuck!”_ He bit his lip, thrusting into that hand, “Stop… don’t…”

Zira pulled his hand away and turned, finding his travel bag and rummaging through. Crowley wasted no time in grabbing his waist and shoving Zira’s pants down, then his own before rutting up against that perfect ass. His hand wrapped around to palm at his cock, his mouth pressing against his ear.

“Oh _fuck_ Zira…” 

“Ah- Anthony…!” Zira tilted his head back, panting and moaning, “L- Lube- ah- _Please…”_ He reached into the bag and grunted, leaning forward into the sink. He handed the tube back to Crowley, swallowing down a moan.

“Shit… I missed you so much Zira… Fuck what an idiot I was…” Crowley whimpered out, fumbling with the cap. He squirted entirely too much into his hand, some dropping down to the floor. Zira turned and held his face, kissing him.

“Anthony not… not right now… Please?”

“Right, sorry… Turn around.” He mumbled out against those pink, swollen lips. Zira obediently turned, catching his eyes in the mirror.

“Fingers…” Crowley warned. Zira nodded and spread his legs apart, relaxing his body for the impending impact. It didn’t come. Only a groan and Crowley’s forehead pressed against his shoulder.

“Anthony?”

“Shit… Sorry. I’m alright. Two first?”

“Please… You sure?”

“If I have to edge myself all night… I’m going to give you what you need.”

“Oh…” Zira felt his cheeks pink. Crowley had to hold himself in from coming too soon- that wasn’t something he’d usually have to do. Edging wasn’t something they typically did with one another in the bedroom… Knowing he’d pushed Crowley like that sent a warmth through him. He felt a hand touch his waist, spreading that warmth through his body knowing Crowley was ready. Zira immediately touched his hand, stroking over those long, thin fingers. He leaned forward as Crowley pushed two fingers in, pulling a grunt from Zira’s throat.

“Alright?”

“I hope you remember how I like it…”

“How could I ever forget…” Crowley smirked and started to thrust shallow, slow, before speeding up and adding a third finger quickly. Oh did he remember… He requested it just like this- or he _used_ to, anyway. Hard and fast, he wanted to _hear_ it. The cries and babbling of words leaving Zira’s lips were music to his ears. He leaned up to bite at Zira’s neck but paused- their shirts were still on. He growled and slapped his ass rather hard instead, grabbing at the soft muscle.

“Oh- Oh yesss…” Zira hissed out.

“Bloody… awful tux is in the way… shit… I want to bite you…”

“Ten th- ah… thousand dollar… tuxedo… Most… expensive thing I’ve- ah- ever worn…!”

“Sexiest thing you’ve ever worn...” Crowley growled. He pulled his fingers away and heavily lubed himself, shoving Zira against the sink. His hand found his waist again, the other guiding himself in. Slowly… once the tip was in it he held Zira’s shoulder and thrust in the rest of the way. They both let out a loud moan at the new sensation.

“Anthony!” Zira cried out. His head tilted back and his back arched. His breath was hard to come by, cock dripping in need. Crowley had never seen a more beautiful sight.

“Fuck look at you… You’re gorgeous, know that?” He growled, licking and nipping what he could of the skin. Zira whimpered as he started thrusting, eyes clenching shut. Crowley watched him in the mirror, his cock bobbing. He lifted a hand to rub at Zira’s nipples through his shirt, pinching and twisting the best he could. Zira’s eyes flew open and he cried out. 

“Ah- _Please_ … Fuck me…!”

Crowley gave into every plea leaving his lips. Harder, faster, don’t stop… He growled and grabbed Zira’s cock, jerking with every thrust. It was bliss… Yet all good things come to an end.

“I’m- Ooh… Oh shit...” Zira looked at him in the mirror, grabbing for the arm that was stroking him, “I’m gonna- I’m gonna… Wanna see you...”

“Like this… I can see us...” Crowley assured. Zira swallowed, panting and nodded. He gripped his arm bruisingly and they locked their eyes together as Crowley thrust, still rubbing at Zira’s cock, “Come… Come Zira, all over my hand, I’ll lick every last drop off your beautiful fucking body…”

“Ah… Ah… Hn- _Shit, Anthony!”_

Zira cried out at the rough pace and slammed back against Crowley, hands moving to grasp the sink for dear life. He came over Crowley’s hand, onto the sink, and unfortunately his shirt. Zira’s cheeks were red, stained with tears of joy. Crowley was shocked he hadn’t finished yet. He thrust in, pausing to wrap his sticky arm around Zira’s waist and help hold him up.

“Want me to stop…?”

“Don’t you dare… you come inside me…” Zira gasped out, trying to catch his breath. Crowley nodded, slipping his hand to grab his waist. He started a punishing pace as he slammed into Zira, fingertips bruising into the skin. He wasn’t going to last long at all- how could he? His body tightened and he bit at Zira’s shoulder through his shirt, letting out a cry.

“Oh fuck… Zira!” He shouted, jerking his hips into Zira through his orgasm, needy tears running down his cheeks as he released into him. Their eyes caught in the mirror and Crowley felt his fill with tears, not of joy or need but that regret creeping back into his mind again. He moved his grip from Zira’s hip to wrap back around his waist, burying his face into Zira’s back.

“Anthony…”

Crowley shook his head… If he stood, if he moved it was over and they were back to where they were. Weddings were shit… The stupid love and emotion seeped into everyone and caused these stupid one night stands, these stupid moments when you never wanted to let go. It was going to hurt too much, what was coming. Couldn’t they just skip it, the talking, and stay together? What he wouldn’t give to be able to freeze time, stay connected together and lost in each other’s arms. If only...

“C’mon… let’s go to the bed.” Zira muttered, trying to turn but the grip Crowley had on him was too tight, “Anthony… Please…?”

Crowley caved. He pulled out of Zira and picked him up, grabbing a few towels before carrying their spent bodies to the bed where he lay his angel down, kissing him gently. He bent up Zira’s legs and took a towel, gently cleaning between them. He kissed his knee before pulling his trousers back up. He then took care of himself, cleaning his hand and cock before re-clasping his own trousers.

“Zira… We- You know we didn’t have to do that…”

“I wanted to.” Zira pulled him down to lay next to him, stroking over his face, “I’ve wanted to… Anthony I’ve missed you so desperately…”

“Why… We haven’t even talked- Zira I was so horrible to you… Why would you miss that… Miss _me_?”

Zira paused and leaned up, kissing his forehead, “Because I know you’re not a horrible person, Anthony. I know you’re sweet and kind. I…” Zira paused and sat up, “I know you changed while we were together. You hung around the wrong people… They did that to you. That band… The fame…”

Crowley sat up next to Zira, looking down at his hands as they rubbed together. He reached over and touched Zira’s hands, looking up to his face. He leaned in and kissed him softly, staying close and brushing their noses together.

“Zira…”

“I can’t… I won’t do that again, Anthony… I can’t be second, I can’t be some convenient… _fuck_ for you after a show. I won’t… It hurt, Anthony so badly…” Zira had tears falling down his cheeks, his shoulders trembling. Crowley pulled him into his chest, clutching him tightly. Zira cried, fingers holding Crowley’s shirt as wave after wave of memories came rushing back. Old wounds and cracks in his heart, fresh as they were before. Remembering how he was second to everything- his band, his friends, his drinks, his car. He clung to Crowley though… He needed to be grounded, keep him close.

“Zira… If I’ve learned anything since then… It’s… You are the only important thing in my life. I was… I’m such an ass, a complete _fuck_ and you shouldn’t let me back in your life. But…” 

Crowley pushed Zira back and trembled, pulling his chain out and the ring attached.

“If… I want a chance to prove to you I’ve changed. That _nothing_ , no person, nothing can get in the way of me treating you like the… like the Angel you are. You deserve so much better…”

“Anthony... What is that...?” Zira felt his throat close up.

“This was my father’s ring. The man that saved me on the bridge… They were together. My father gave it to him- a promise ring. A promise they’d be together through… through war and whatever other shit happens. But my father died before he could fulfill that promise. So… So he gave it to me. For you.”

Zira covered his mouth and nose with his hands and took in a deep breath. It was quiet- the noise from the tent and the party could faintly be heard for the first time. Crowley took the chain off and held it out.

“Anthony…”

“I’m not proposing, Zira. I mean… What I mean to say… It’s a promise to you, that I won’t be a complete screw up, and that… I want to try again… If you’ll let me.”

“Anthony…”

“Fuck... Zira I just...”

“What… What happens if you break that promise?” Zira dropped his hands, “You’ve made so many promises to me through the years… Anthony I can’t say I’m not scared.”

Crowley took Zira’s hand and placed the chain into his palm, closing it and squeezing his hands around him. He brought the hand up and kissed it, eyes closing, taking a deep breath.

“Zira… Zira I’m scared too. What if I fuck up? What if I’m not good enough? There’s so many what if’s… But the biggest ‘what if’ for me is what if I lose you from my life forever. What if I force you away from me by doing some idiotic _thing_ like I’ve done in the past? What if you move on, find someone new, and… I can’t stand the thought, Zira I can’t. That frightens me more than anything else in this world.” Crowley looked into Zira’s eyes, “It’s been 16 months, Zira… My life is so empty without you in it, it doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried. I spent 4 months hibernating and writing songs for you until Ana dragged my self-pitying behind out. I will do _anything_. You want me on my knees begging? I will get down until you tell me-”

“You… You were writing songs? For… For _me_?” Zira asked. Crowley nodded, squeezing his hand.

“I have notebooks… So many notebooks and papers and ideas. I was… I was in a bad place.”

“I’d like to hear one…”

“No… No you wouldn’t.”

“Please, Anthony… Just said you’d do anything I ask.” Zira frowned, lips pursing. Crowley smirked and leaned in, kissing those pouty lips.

“Fine… Because you’re cute. But we have to get back out there before they come looking for us. We’ve already been gone a while.”

“Newt’s got it covered.” Zira winked.

“You…” Crowley laughed softly and kissed him again. Zira felt a warmth in his chest that spread through his being. Crowley’s laugh… Oh it’s been ages and it was so beautiful.

“Get your guitar… I’d like to hear you play for me…” Zira smiled brightly, stroking Crowley’s cheek. Crowley nodded and stood, running to grab his guitar from where Zira had placed it by the door. He came back and pulled up a chair. Zira sat on the edge of the bed, Crowley sitting in front of him.

“This… If I remember all the words… Bear with me, Angel.” Crowley strummed the guitar and looked up, swallowing hard. 

So he began. A little acapella in the beginning, before he started strumming along and singing.

“Well, I won't give up on us, 

Even if the skies get rough, 

I'm giving you all my love, 

I'm still looking up…”

“And when you're needing your space. 

To do some navigating. 

I'll be here patiently waiting… To see what you find.”

Crowley passionately played his notes, eyes closed, baring his teeth as he sang, 

“'Cause _even_ the stars, they burn. 

Some even fall to the earth. 

We've got a lot to learn, 

God knows we're worth it. 

No, I won't give up…”

As he finished he hugged the guitar, body trembling and tears falling. Zira’s hands were covering his mouth and nose, trying to breathe but it was difficult. He’d started feeling the emotion nearly immediately, feeling the pain that Crowley was feeling. In that moment he knew Crowley really wouldn’t give up on him. It was such a different sound than he was used to playing with him too. It wasn’t rock and yelling and… The Crawlers… That persona, that mask was left far behind. This was _Anthony Crowley_ , all of him, not some stolen moment in the back of a limo. He wrote these words from the depths of his heart, from his lowest place. For _him_.

Zira got off the bed and took the guitar from Crowley, laying it on the ground beside them. He then crawled into his lap, straddling him. Zira hugged him tightly, eyes closed, savoring the moment. Crowley’s hands came up to wrap around his waist. Zira’s love ran so deeply… No matter what Crowley had done in the past, this moment- here and now… He needed him. He needed him to touch him and hold him, to kiss him and tell him how much he meant to him. 

“Anthony…” He sat back and took the chain out of his hand, looping it over blonde hair and down around his neck. He touched the ring at the bottom in thought. Crowley touched the hand over the ring and smiled. Seeing it there… knowing that it meant so much and it was another step toward happiness made his heart throb. “I… What if we start over? Take this slow…”

“Not too late to take it slow, Angel?”

Zira flushed and looked down, “No… Listen. We start fresh, completely over. Dating and hand holding… No sex. As good as we are at it… I know it’ll be hard but… I think it’s for the best. I think… I think it makes sense. You can show me how you’ve changed, how much I mean to you.”

“We are good at sex, aren’t we?”

“Mm… Very.”

“So we’re dating. I'm not your boyfriend yet then… We’re just… starting over. And slow…”

“Very slow… Yes.”

“Does… Does this start now? Or when we get back home?”

Zira’s cheeks warmed up further and he leaned into Crowley’s ear, licking over the shell, “Home. I need to get your body out of my system first before we slow down.”

Crowley shuddered and nodded, hands sliding to grab Zira’s ass and pull him close. He tilted his head to the side as Zira’s mouth worked over his ear, down his neck, teeth nipping over the skin. Zira ran his hands up his chest and started unbuttoning his shirt, desperate to touch him, desperate to feel their skin together.

The phone in the room started ringing.

They ignored it, Zira speeding up, longing to touch.

Their cell phones both rang.

They ignored it, hips started rocking against each other, desperately.

“Ah… Zira…” Crowley moaned, head tilting back. Zira whimpered and ground against him, grabbing his shoulders tightly.

“Anthony… Oh- Oh _please_ …” Zira whined, Crowley’s hands grabbed his hips and he thrust up against him, pulling Zira closer as they rut against one another.

They couldn’t ignore the banging on the door.

“Finish up in there and get your asses back to my wedding!” Ana's voice yelled through the door, “Newt told me you two snuck away! You’ve got 15 minutes and we’re busting down the door!”

Crowley’s eyes widened and his cheeks reddened, hiding into Zira’s neck. Zira stroked through his hair and hummed.

“We’ll be down, Ana!” Zira called, giving a squeak and a giggle as Crowley’s hands grabbed his ass tightly and pulled him close. He pushed Crowley’s shoulders back and leaned in to capture his mouth again. He continued to undo Crowley’s shirt and pushed it open, hands flattening over the exposed skin.

“Zira maybe we should clean up…” Crowley breathed out against his lips. Zira grabbed at his pecs, thumbs brushing over sensitive nipples roughly.

“My shirt is already rubbish… Can’t we have a few more minutes? I promise I’ll make it quick, hm?” Zira started to roll his hips, pinching and twisting Crowley’s nipples. He leaned up to his ear, “It’s been so long… I know we’ll have time later… Just let me ride your cock darling.... I’ll make you feel so good…”

Crowley groaned and his head fell back, hands grabbing Zira’s waist tightly. Oh he was convincing… And really, hadn’t he promised to listen and cater to all of Zira’s wants and needs? 

“Fuck, Zira…” Crowley grabbed his shirt and threw him onto the bed, kissing him roughly as he attached his clothing. First his shirt, ripping the buttons apart… Once they were both nude and out of their ridiculously expensive suits, Zira shoved him down. 

“How did you get hotter?” Crowley gasped as their erections brushed against one another, his waist thrusting up into the touch.

“Speak for yourself…” Zira purred, pulling his hips back. He shifted to straddle Crowley’s waist, rubbing his cock, “I left the lube…”

“Mm… I didn’t.” Crowley nodded to the side, hands roaming over Zira’s body, “Brought it over- Zira you are the most perfect thing… I think I have ever seen in my life.”

“I got soft…”

Crowley’s eyes widened and he sat up, flipping them over and pinning Zira down with a growl.

“Aziraphale Fell. I will spend an entire week showing you how beautiful you are, and by the end of that week you’re going to understand me when I say _you are the most beautiful creature in existence_ because you will not be able to walk straight. I never want to hear you speak about yourself like that again. Do you understand me?”

“That doesn’t sound like a punishment…” Zira muttered.

“I… I’ll make it unbearable somehow. Maybe take you to a rock concert. Ever seen the Crawlers?”

“Never saying those words again.” Zira snapped quickly. Crowley chuckled.

“Good boy... “ Crowley gave a squeak as Zira flipped them back over.

“Now… I must punish you for using my full name.”

“Mm? How is that?”

“Our time here is up.”

Crowley growled and grabbed his hair, kissing him and wrapping his legs around Zira’s waist. “Bullshit it is. Let them walk in and watch. We’ve never had an audience before.” 

Zira shivered and moved Crowley’s legs off of him. He reached to grab the lube off the ground and popped open the lid. He squeezed the lube onto his hand, spreading some between his own legs before slathering Crowley with increasingly tight strokes.

“Did you like that thought, Angel? Having some… voyeur watching us fuck?”

Zira’s breath hitched and he straddled Crowley’s waist, letting out a shiver, “Not happening.”

“What if it was me… watching you fuck yourself- ah!” Crowley cried out as Zira lowered himself down quickly with a moan. 

“Isn’t… that what we… are doing now?” He asked, rocking his hips. His hands came to hold himself up on Crowley’s chest and he caught his eye.

“What about… A toy… You like… You like toys… Fuck Angel… Fuck yourself on me…”

“Oh _Anthony…_ ” Zira whimpered and started riding, Crowley nearly coming all the way out before he slid back in. They were both panting, moaning, gripping. “You… You’re the kinky one… I- ah- oh… You want… a p- plug in you… while you f-faaah… fuck meee…”

“Yes… Everything… Whatever you say just don’t _stop_ …” Crowley growled, holding Zira’s waist in a bruising grip. He started thrusting along with him, head pressed back into the pillows. Zira’s dick bobbed as he rode him, head tilting back. The gold glint of the ring around his neck danced as a reminder to Crowley this was not permanent, they were going to have to start over. Enjoy this while you can- you have to prove yourself, prove your promise to Zira is true.

Zira cried out and dug his nails into Crowley’s chest suddenly as he hit his prostate. He rocked into it, a loud moan leaving his lips.

“Anthony…!” He sobbed, slamming down into that feeling, letting out little cries of pleasure. Crowley dug his own short nails into Zira’s skin. He bent his legs up for leverage and started thrusting up into him, matching every downward plunge with an extra hard thrust.

“Fuck… Zira… You feel so… so damn good…” He crudely licked his hand and grabbed Zira’s cock, jerking him as he bounced, one hand holding his waist. Their skin was slapping together, nothing but moans and cries were heard in the room as they chased their orgasms. 

“Ca- Can’t- Oh _shit_ …!” Zira yelled, head falling back, short nails cutting through skin as he came over Crowley’s stomach, tightening around his cock, fucking himself back as he finished. Crowley let out a gasp and reached up to grab him, pulling Zira close. His breath was heavy as he smacked Zira’s ass, grabbing it tightly with both hands and jackhammering into him.

“ _Fuck_ \- _fuuuck_ Zira…!” He yelled, finishing shortly after inside of him, rocking through the ecstasy. Zira collapsed on top of him, nuzzling into his neck as their sticky, sweaty bodies touched. Crowley wrinkled his nose at the feeling of come pressing between them, rolling them over a bit.

“Zira… We’re… Gross… He breathed out, touching his face. They smiled at one another before letting out a laugh, hands touching and kissing, holding and caressing. Once their breathing had returned to normal, Crowley gave him a gentle kiss before standing. He went to the bathroom to get a towel, and this time a warm, wet wash cloth with it.

“I’d say we should shower but…”

“Your hair… it was so beautifully done. I don’t want to ruin it more than I have.” Zira murmured as Crowley lay over him. He bent Zira’s legs up and started to clean the residue away, taking care to wipe his entrance. He heard Zira’s breath catch instantly.

“Tender?” 

“Mm… A bit.” Zira winced, but relaxed back against a pillow that Crowley provided under his head, “This is nice…”

“Another thing I’m sorry for… Not taking better care of you after.” Crowley kissed his thigh, up to his knee cap lovingly, “Aftercare is… it’s so important… Another thing I failed you.”

“Anthony please… I know it’s going to be hard. What’s important is you’re here now with me and recognize things like that. Don’t… Don’t point them out and make yourself feel terrible. Embrace the change.”

“Easy for you to say.”

Zira sat up and touched his cheek, “I’m serious. Stop telling yourself that you messed up. Start telling yourself that- that this is good. That listening to each other is good, that talking is good… Aftercare is very good. You said in your song earlier you don’t deserve me… Darling, you do. You deserve another chance… A chance to prove that you deserve me, and I you. That… That we work.”

“I just hope I don’t cock it up.” Crowley grumbled.

“I have faith you won’t.” Zira smiled as Crowley finished wiping his stomach off with the towel and moved onto his own. Zira touched the hand holding the cloth to stop him, looking up, “I want to believe you are a new person.”

“When do you leave for London?” Crowley sighed, throwing the washcloth away and wiping himself with the towel.

“Monday morning.”

“We only have _one day_ together?” Crowley balked. Zira nodded, looking down to his clothing.

“Seems that way.”

Crowley frowned and thought- the party ends around midnight… He could pull an all nighter if he had to… Which he clearly had to. Now if you include rest time between rounds, they should be able-

“Anthony there’s… There’s math equations and steam coming out of your ears… What are you doing?”

“Thinking of how many more times we get to fuck in this fancy castle before we go home.” He smirked, leaning to kiss Zira before standing to grab their clothing.

“Anthony!” Zira gasped, cheeks crimson. Crowley laughed and started pulling clothing on, passing pants and his own button up shirt to Zira.

“Your shirt won’t fit… I have another though.” Zira sighed, stepping over to his closet. Crowley nodded and finished getting dressed, finding a vanity and looking into the mirror. He straightened out his hair, wiped his face clean before fixing his collar. Zira came over, buttoning his shirt and paused. He took Crowley’s arms and turned him so they were facing one another and started to fix him up. First the bowtie. Then the shirt, fix the collar, then the jacket. Perfect.

“You’re so good to me.”

“Don’t start.” Zira warned, looking in the vanity and fixing himself just the same- bowtie, shirt, jacket. He attempted to fix his hair but his curls wouldn’t behave. Crowley watched him fuss and smiled, stepping behind him and hugging around his waist.

“I’m so lucky…”

“I think-”

A loud shouting came from behind the door.

“Time’s up, boys! Takes me that long to pee in this… this monstrosity so you better be coming out!”

“I did my coming out in highschool, Ana!” Crowley shouted. Zira giggled.

They held hands and walked to the door, cracking it open and stepping out. Their cheeks were flushed, clothes a disaster, hair touseled… But they held hands, eyes hiding from Ana. How could she _not_ know what just happened, though.

“Hmm… Well in any case I’m glad to see this is working out? It… It _is_ working out, yes?”

“No.” Crowley stopped her.

“Say what?”

“We’re… We’re going to start fresh. When we get home that is.” Crowley smiled, looking back at Zira lovingly, “We decided I need to prove myself- prove I’ve changed…”

“Sappy.” Ana raised an eyebrow.

“Do you think I’m wrong?”

“Absolutely not. You tell me if he screws up, we can castrate him together.”

“Ana!” They both shouted, faces red.

Ana laughed and started walking down the hall, finding a glass of champagne and throwing it back without a second thought.

Zira grasped Crowley’s hand and smiled, pulling him along down the hallway. When Ana was out of eyesight Crowley pulled him aside and against a wall, kissing him deeply. His hands held his waist, eyes closing to focus on the touch.

“Mm- Anthony what…”

“I need to prove one other thing to you, Zira… You need to know how deeply I care for you, and just how far I am willing to go for you.”

“Oh… How far is that?” Zira asked, “What does that even mean?”

“I- uh… That’s what they say in the movies…” Crowley stumbled over his words. The amount of romantic comedies and Nicholas Spark movies he’d watched over the past 16 months would be a secret between himself and his judgemental freeloading snake. “I mean… I want you to know what I’d do to keep you in my life.”

“Oh… That makes more sense-”

“I’d quit singing completely… I’d retire 100% if it means being with you for the rest of my life.”

“Anthony…”

“Well starting tonight, expect me to show you exactly how much you mean to me.” He paused and leaned into his ear, lips brushing against the shell, “I’m going to pound you so hard you’re not going to be able to sit for a week, Angel. I’m gonna suck your cock dry, lick you clean...” Zira dug his nails into Crowley’s shoulders. He shuddered, turning his bright red face away.

“Anthony…” He gasped out, feeling that long body press against his. Crowley’s cock was already hardening and pressing into his hip, “We- We have to go…”

“But I want to fuck you right here in the hallway… We can sneak back to your room if you want some privacy… Fuck, I just can’t get enough of you...”

“ _Anthony_ …” Zira groaned, head tilting back into the wall, “Please… We shouldn’t…”

Yet deep down… All Zira wanted to do was sneak off from his best friend’s wedding and spend two glorious days in bed with Anthony. It was all he could think about since they had run into each other at Ana’s house several weeks ago while planning. The conflicting feelings inside, the hurt and pain that he had caused him over the course of years… Anthony was a drug, and he was certainly an addict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, get yourself a cold glass of water, you deserve it. Poor Zira can't keep to himself. Poor Crowley can't help but give in. How will their new arrangement work when they get home though? 
> 
> In retrospect, I feel like I've put quite a bit of myself into Ana with her sass. In other notes, Crowley sings Perfect by Ed Sheeran and Beyonce. If you haven't heard their version together, you aren't living. You can't have that yet. Spoilers, and such. :3
> 
> See you all next week! Again, I'm going to try and post Monday, but again there's a holiday... Check me on IG, I'll let you know if I can, or if it'll be Tuesday. :)


	8. You Stole My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zira heads home after some TLC. We see things through his eyes, and find what happened while away from Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed last weeks wild wedding romp. I know I did. 😉 We have some Zira POV today, a flash back to years ago and some present day. I’m sure he’s feeling so conflicted, poor baby.
> 
> Our song of the day:
> 
> [ Just Give Me A Reason - P!nk ft. Nate Ruess ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI&app=desktop)

When Crowley woke the day after the wedding, he ordered room service the entire day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, desserts, not to mention Zira’s favorite champagne, and wine. They never left one another, and Crowley fulfilled his promises. They had one another in every possible way they could in the time they had, with the endurance they had. Crowley was certain they’d be sore the next day- and he wasn’t sure Zira’d be able to walk very well. He made sure to take care of him, dedicating himself to care after with massages, showers, holding him tightly and caressing the red welts on his skin.

They also had to eat, drink, and rest. Crowley was dead set on using every minute he had with Zira during their stay to make sure he knew, and would remember their time together. Zira had bite marks and bruises in places he’d never be able to see without a mirror. By dinner time, they tapped out. Dinner was had, and they curled up with one another falling into a deep sleep.

Crowley was lying cuddled into Zira on the bed. It was Monday morning, and they were quite naked and comfortable. Blue eyes glanced down to Crowley and he smiled, kissing the top of his head. Such a beautiful creature… 

“Zira… don’t leave…” Crowley muttered in his half awake state. 

“I have to get up soon, darling…” Zira sighed into his hair, hugging him close, “Early flight.”

“No… If you leave it’s over…” Crowley nuzzled up to his neck and kissed over a bruised circle of flesh, “I don’t want to miss you all over again.”

“Anthony…” Zira sighed, tilting his head up so they could see one another, “You won’t have to miss me. I’ll see you when we get home, remember?”

“I miss your cock…”

“Anthony!” Zira flushed, eyes wide. Crowley smirked and leaned up, kissing him.

“What?”

“You’re incorrigible. Can… can you even get hard right now?”

Crowley looked down a moment between them and back up to Zira, “No… Probably not. You wrecked me pretty good yesterday. Not that I’ll ever complain...”

Zira chuckled and pulled Crowley up, kissing him lovingly. He stroked a hand down his cheek and hummed, pulling away for a moment.

“Know… I’m going to miss moments like these. I can’t wait to get back to them…” 

He paused.  _ If _ they got back to them. This could be their last time together. What if he hadn’t changed, if Crowley went back to being the same, cocky self centered- No. No, it wasn’t fair to think that.

Zira kissed Crowley’s forehead and let out a breath, hand stroking into his hair, “Gotta go.” He sighed. Crowley watched him stand and lay his head back into the pillow, inhaling Zira’s scent.

“How… How long do you think it’ll be until-“ As Zira turned around, Crowley paused, biting his lip and blushing.

“Hm? What?” Zira frowned and followed Crowley’s eyes to his torso. He was covered in bites and hickeys, all the way down to his thighs. He didn’t want to know what his shoulders and neck looked like.

“Sorry…”

“Why?” Zira flushed, looking for his clothing, “It’s a reminder for me… To trust you. That… That we could have another chance.”

“Zira…”

“Sorry… I have to get back to my room and check out, Anthony…” He whispered as he finished dressing. He leaned down and stole a kiss, lingering on those swollen red lips a moment.

“Zira… Zira stay with me…”

“Don’t… Please just… I have to go.”

Zira stood and took his shoes, looking back one last time, “I’ll see you in a few days.” He choked out, leaving the room before Crowley could catch the tears running down his cheeks. Zira leaned against the door once it was shut, eyes closed, taking in deep ragged breaths. 

~**~**~

Zira’s flight back to London was longer than it needed to be. He had a hard time sitting still, partially because he was sore from the past days. He stared out the window as clouds kissed the wings of the plane, soaring higher and further through the sunrise. It was days like this, clear and peaceful, that he remembered things he didn’t necessarily want to.

Zira had left Crowley that New Year’s and went straight to Newt’s home. They stayed together for over a week, Zira sobbing, Newt holding his phone hostage to avoid any unwanted texts or phone calls. Newt helped Zira get back on his feet and into the world. He was scared to leave Newt’s small apartment, even more frightened by the fact that he was dating the one woman he couldn’t bear to see at the time. He hid on the couch, he hid in Newt’s spare room… He didn’t leave the apartment.

Three months had passed inside of Newt’s apartment. Zira hardly ate, growing an aversion to everything offered. He had grown quite a beard, his hair was scraggly and much longer. He’d lost weight- his clothes were baggy, he was practically swimming in them. Newt couldn’t say anything to change his behaviors, and that was when he decided outside help was needed. That was when Ana stepped in where Newt couldn’t. 

She knocked on the door to the spare room Zira was inhabiting when he stayed with Newt. She clasped her hands before her and waited patiently, eyes large and round behind thick black rimmed glasses. When the door had opened to reveal the walking dead that was Zira, it had slammed right back in her face. 

“I probably deserve that. Can you please talk to me?”

“Piss off.” Zira growled through the door, slamming a fist against it from the other side. She lifted a hand and touched the wooden door.

“Zira you’re going to kill yourself going down this path… Newt and I are scared you actually might. Can we please talk?”

“Piss.  _ Off _ .”

“Alright then I will talk, you listen. That night was not my fault. I saw you run off when he started that song but… Anthony got a good smack right in the face and I left the stage. He was out of control, completely out of line. I… heard he went back to you, that you left… I found him on the bathroom floor of his hotel room that morning, a complete disaster. He hasn’t emerged from his apartment since.” She sighed, “My point is, Zira… He’s an asshole. He’s an asshole and doesn’t think about what he has, and what he could lose before doing the selfish…  _ demonistic _ things he does. But he doesn’t… Lord knows why.”

“Because you’re both assholes and ruined my life.”

“What life, Zira? Where you were nothing compared to…  _ everything _ in his life? Shoved aside for his music, his band… His whisky? That doesn’t seem like a life to me, darling.”

“Don’t call me names.” Zira snapped.

“You need to get back on your feet. You need to work with Newt with his record label like you invested your money to, and forget him right now. You need to eat, put on some big boy pants and-”

Zira opened the door and looked into her eyes. He was tired, he was dehydrated, and he was heartbroken. He stepped out quietly and made his way to the couch without looking at either Ana or Newt. Ana watched him and tilted her head curiously before walking after him, sitting beside him.

“I can’t forget him. I love him, Ana…” Zira said softly, “He’s an asshole. He treated me like garbage. But… But I love him with everything I am.”

Zira sniffed and wiped his eyes, fingers digging into the sockets. He took in a deep shuddering breath and sighed it out, letting a small sob leave him.

“You need to stop, Zira.” Ana leaned back into the couch, “You need to focus on yourself, let me handle him. Now what is it going to take-”

“Don’t you tell me what to do. Newt, what is this an intervention?” Zira frowned, glaring at him with sunken red eyes.

“Zira… You haven’t listened to me. So maybe it is. This is your two friends trying to talk to you. Trying to get you back on your feet. If you just listen to reason… We love you.”

Zira’s mouth gaped like a goldfish. His jaw clenched and he looked down, clasping his hands in his lap. He needed to move along. He needed to listen, get on his feet, do something with his life instead of putting Newt out like this.

“I’ve been… I’ve been a prat…” He mumbled.

“A bit.” Newt shrugged, hands shoving in his pockets.

“Have… Have you seen Anthony?” Zira asked, looking to Ana. She shook her head, “Oh…”

“Zira, you really need to worry about yourself. Your clothes don’t fit, you have an ugly scraggly  _ beard _ for fucks sake… It’s not very becoming, darling. Makes you look twenty years older. Let’s get you to the barber, hm? Maybe get some lunch first?”

“I guess…”

“We want to support you, Zira. You deserve everything in this world. You’re not just leftovers and scraps.”

The words Ana and Newt had branded into his head were replaying over and over. He deserves everything. He is not someone’s leftovers.

“Sir? Would you care for a drink, sir?” The flight attendant asked. Zira looked over slowly and leaned back into his chair with a tired smile.

“Best not.” He sighed, turning back to the window. The attendant shrugged and carried on, glancing back several times to Zira. 

Black bags under his puffy eyes… Head to toe he was more disheveled than most passengers taking red eye flights. For an hour and a half flight, he’d slept most of the way. 

Tuesday seemed to arrive slower than any day in Zira’s life. Crowley had been texting him regularly Monday. Making sure he arrived, his flight was alright. He checked to see if he was home, told him to sleep and text him when he woke up. He asked what he ate, if he showered…

Zira stepped out of the shower to five messages from Crowley and his eye twitched. 

_ Anthony: I miss you.  _

_ Anthony: Are you done yet? _

_ Anthony: Send nudes. _

_ Anthony: I’m kidding… _

_ Anthony: ...Only a little… ;) _

_ Zira: Anthony you could have switched your flight and come home today, you know… Go see the sights and send me photographs. Go sleep. You don’t have to check on me every thirty seconds! _

_ Anthony: Sorry I miss you is all. Can we get dinner tomorrow? Too soon? _

_ Zira: What time is your flight? _

_ Anthony: 2 here… So I’ll be home by 2:30 there. _

_ Zira: I’ll make a reservation, but this is only dinner. It’s starting fresh, remember? We can talk about guidelines. _

_ Anthony: So can I send you a dirty picture now? Or should I wait? _

Zira choked on his breath. This was going to be difficult.

_ Zira: Absolutely not. _

Zira paused before pressing send. That was the right answer… Anthony always knew how to drag the wrong answer out of him… This was one of those times. Give him an inch, he’ll take a mile. Give him one night in France, he’s going to take you every night until you lose your voice screaming.

He pressed send, eyes closing and taking in a deep breath. He needed to consult with someone… Newt and Ana were off to Thailand on their honeymoon. He didn’t have any other friends. 

_ Anthony: Good. I was hoping you’d say that, I’m tuckered out. Have to start planning for this tour, anyways. Do you think you can help me with songs in a completely dating and not boyfriend yet way? _

Zira smiled brightly and rapidly text him back.

_ Zira: Yes, of course. Get some sleep then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. _

Crowley didn’t respond, he must have fallen asleep. Zira held the phone to his chest, beaming. Old Crowley wouldn’t have asked, and just would have sent the pictures or called him for phone sex. This small thing was a change. It was… It was more  _ normal _ for them. He liked it, this real Crowley.


	9. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re almost at the end!
> 
> A little TLC today... Crowley is frazzled.
> 
> [Stay - Rihanna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs)

Crowley’s flight landed right on schedule. He caught a car back to his apartment and grinned once his door was shut. It was freshly cleaned top to bottom, smelling a bit of lavender and lemon. His plants were recently watered and pruned to perfection. There was not a dirty piece of laundry or unfolded shirt in sight. The place was immaculate. The thing that stood out the most was the vase of lotus flowers that sat on the counter, with an envelope leaning against it. He dropped his luggage and kicked off his shoes, looking around more. He took the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of expensive paper.

_ What is better for a fresh start, then starting with a freshly cleaned and taken care of home. I hope you don’t mind, it was all Ana’s idea but she’ll deny it. See you tonight, dearest. -Zira _

Crowley nearly danced his way into his bedroom, smiling at his judgemental little snake, singing songs that he didn’t know the words to. He had a chance. He had an amazing chance, and he was  _ not _ going to blow it. Zira wanted to date him and decide for himself, and he was going to be. He had to just keep with his list. One: No sex. B: This is all about  _ Zira _ . Third of all. We are not meeting to argue. Maybe the last one was supposed to be “be your true self” instead? 

His list was a disaster. Crowley grabbed his hair and ruffled it, aggravated with himself. He could do this. He knew Zira. They’d known each other for years. This was sink or swim though… He had to make a good first impression. This could be a big moment.

Crowley gave his therapist a quick call around four, checking in.

He straightened himself by five, leaving his clothing as the last thing to do. He stared at himself in the mirror, shuddering out a breath. Suit jacket, button down shirt, pants and shoes. Check. Alright now colors. Black suit jacket, grey shirt, black pants, black shoes. Alright, now a tie. Black. Crowley growled and threw the tie aside. He looked like it was a funeral.

“Can’t spell funeral without  _ fun _ .” He joked to himself. He glanced at his snake and snarled. Stupid thing was still judging him silently from the corner. Try again.

Jeans. Blue jeans. White v-neck shirt… getting better. Can use that black blazer now… Black shoes are alright. Don’t need a tie- can wear that silver tie necklace. Unless Zira hates that… He decided to wear just a chain, one Crowley remembered Zira gifted to him years ago. It was simple, but it was meaningful. 

Crowley checked his list once, twice, three times more. Suddenly it was 5:45. He had to stop for flowers still. 

“Fuck!” He snapped. He ran to the door, grabbing his keys, wallet, and phone. He raced to his car and threw himself in, slamming on the gas. Flowers could wait. Zira needed him to be different. He was not off to a good start.

When he arrived to Zira’s place it was 5:55. He grinned and slipped out the car, walking with a small bounce in his step to the door and knocked. He waited. Patiently. For five minutes…

Suddenly lights came on and the door creaked open, a big blue eye peeping through the crack.

“Hi, Angel.” Crowley smiled, radiating the love he felt for this amazing being before him. 

“Anthony...” Zira opened the door and leaned into it, wearing a fluffy robe and slippers. His nose was red and running, his eyes were heavy and full of tears… He sneezed into a handkerchief, completely miserable.

Crowley’s heart flopped into his stomach.

“Angel what- what happened?”

“I’m sorry… The medicine knocked me out, I just got up when I heard you knock.”

“Angel let’s get you inside, it’s too chilly out here- you’re sick?”

“Appears so.” Zira sniffed out, hugging his robe around him. His eyes drooped and he swayed, sleepy from the pills. Crowley caught him from falling over and scooped an arm under his legs, carrying him back to his bedroom.

“Why didn’t you call me earlier, Angel…?”

“Thought I’d be okay… Went to the doctor and they gave me this stuff and I’m so tired, Anthony… Will you sing me that lullaby song?”

Crowley melted and lay him down in his robe, pulling the sheets and blankets up and over him. He sat down beside him and kissed his forehead.

“I’m going to take care of you, Angel… I’m going to put you to sleep and go home and get some things. You need to be cared for. Is- Is that alright?” Crowley threw in at the last moment, wincing. They weren’t boyfriends yet… They were nothing. He really didn’t want to cross a line, but he really didn’t want Zira to suffer alone through whatever this congestion-flu-cold-sinus thing was.

“Please do. I need some water, I think my face hurts.” Zira muttered out, words all jumbled. He burrowed himself into the blankets and pillows, eyes drooping shut. Crowley stroked a hand through his hair. Their reservation could suck it. This was more important. He must have caught something on the plane, Crowley thought. He was surely exhausted from the night before, which means he was more susceptible to sickness. Crowley blamed himself for that, but tucked that away for another time. He made sure Zira’s phone was charging, water was next to him, and a fresh box of tissues. He kissed his forehead and stroked through curls.

“I’ll be right back, Angel… I’m going to make you feel better.”

“No sex.” Zira’s voice muffled into his blankets, eyes fighting to stay open. Crowley laughed.

“No sex. No kissing either. I don’t want to catch-” He waved his hand in a circle, outlining Zira, “ _ That _ . No offense.”

“Soup…” Zira answered, his eyes closing and long lashes falling on his cheeks. Crowley stuck out his bottom lip, taking pity on the poor thing. 

“I will get you the finest chicken noodle-”

“Lullaby…” Zira cracked a blue eye open, a hand coming up to touch Crowley’s leg. Crowley touched his hand and nodded.

It wasn’t an original lullaby. It wasn’t truly a lullaby at all. But Zira had loved it when they first started dating years ago. He’d lay his head in Crowley’s lap, long fingers stroking through his golden curls, entranced in the moment of touching this absolute Angel of a man.

_ “Once there was a way… To get back homeward. Once there was a way… To get back home. _

_ Sleep, pretty darling. Do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby... _

_ Golden slumbers fill your eyes… Smiles await you when you rise. _

_ Sleep pretty darling, do not cry… And I will sing a lullaby…” _

He repeated himself once over, until heavy congested breathing was heard. Zira had fallen asleep, as he always had. Crowley couldn’t help but stroke his hair, smiling brilliantly. The amount of love he had for Zira was overflowing out of him. It wouldn’t help him to get over whatever this was though. Oh but what he wouldn’t do to lay behind Zira and hold him tightly, nuzzle into those blonde curls and kiss his sickness away. Even just to have Zira’s head in his lap, stroking through his hair like they used to so many years ago… It was that. The little things that he missed, that he stopped doing for Zira when the band took over his life, when the fame and spotlight turned him into a… a  _ demon _ . He really did put Zira through hell. He vowed to make up for lost time. 

Starting with his favorite soup.

**~**~**~**

Zira woke up several hours later, refreshed, but miserable just the same. His face was throbbing, his head was throbbing, his body was aching. He groaned and rolled over, a hand coming to cover his eyes. No fever, good sign. Probably a horrible sinus infection, he thought, causing his headache. Combine the two and his body was just shutting down, forcing him to rest. He heard his bedroom door open and didn’t even open his eyes. 

“Angel…” Crowley’s voice whispered. He stepped quietly through the room to close windows and draw shades, “Angel it’s just me… How are you feeling?”

“Sinus…” Zira groaned out, “Face.”

“I’m sorry…” Crowley winced, “Do you want soup? Tea? Anything yet?”

“Mmno…” Zira sniffed, rolling over and burrowing deeper into the pillow, “Medicine.” He muffled.

“Almost time… It’s been three hours, you have one to go. Try and get some sleep.”

“Stay here…” Zira requested. He didn’t move, keeping his face buried in the pillow. Crowley swallowed and thought this through. For about a third of a second.

“Want an ice pack? Humidifier will help too… I really think you should have tea or soup though-”

“Anthony come hold me  _ please _ .” He whined, rolling back over and holding his cheekbones, breathing through his mouth. Crowley considered, and assured himself that it was fine, Zira was indeed miserable. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, kicking his feet up. He looked at the blonde and swallowed, laying back and wiggling in.

“I um… Wanna come here? Or I mean I can just lay here- oh.”

Zira immediately rolled into him, laying his head on his chest and letting out a whine. Crowley’s arm was underneath him, and he didn’t dare move. The arm tentatively slid around his shoulders, holding him close and stroking over his arm.

“This  _ suuuucks _ .” Zira whined, “I don’t like being sick.”

“You never did, Angel.” Crowley chuckled. The deep voice vibrated through his chest and through Zira’s ear, sending warmth radiating through him. Crowley dipped down and kissed the top of his head.

“I’mma sleep…” Zira said softly, eyes closing again, “So comfy… Miss this…” 

“Zira…” Crowley said, stiffening. He looked down and heard that deep breathing again. 

This was a bad idea… Crowley lay back and looked to the ceiling, the snoring and sniffling of Zira the only sound in the room. He thought. There was a lot to think about, too.

About an hour later, Zira woke up, nuzzling into Crowley’s chest with a hum.

“Morning, Angel…” Crowley whispered, stroking his hair, “You alright?”

“Hn…” Zira moaned, rolling onto his back. Crowley took his arm back and sat up. He leaned toward Zira, touching his forehead. It was cool, definitely no fever. He stood, offering a smile.

“Medicine, soup, tea…?” 

“Pleeease…” Zira whined. Crowley nodded, reaching down and touching his hand. Zira looked up, offering hardly a smile, “Humidifier…?”

“I did… I plugged it in earlier while you were sleeping, Angel. Should help your congestion. Let me get your dinner.” Crowley grinned and squeezed his hand gently before he turned and walked from the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Crowley immediately went to the kitchen and started getting to work. He had bought soup earlier from Zira’s favorite deli, as much of it as he could carry. Chicken noodle, vegetable barley, tomato basil, and butternut squash. He bought special teas including his normal English breakfast, as well as butter mint and camomile. He said he would take care of Zira, and he wasn’t going to fail.

Crowley filled the kettle, flicking the switch to put it on to boil. He then filled a small pan with a bit of chicken noodle soup and lit the hob. As the soup warmed up on the stove, Crowley puttered around to get Zira a cool water, a piece of fresh italian bread with butter, as well as his medication. He poured the tea, allowing the bag to brew for exactly 4 minutes. Whilst soup heated and tea brewed, he went to his small pile of things and found a tray he brought from his apartment and started loading it up. He poured Zira’s soup into a large bowl, putting it on the tray with the bread, water and medication. He frowned. Tea… How did Zira take his tea? It used to be milk and one sugar… Or was it two? 

Crowley grabbed his phone, looking at the screen a moment and growling at himself. How could he forget something like that? Something that was important to Zira? It’d been a year… Would he think less of him? Would he think him selfish not knowing? Was he overthinking this…

Crowley went to the door and gave a quick knock, cracking the door open a bit.

“Zira…? Zira how do you take your tea?”

“Mm… Milk and a sugar.”

Crowley went back to his tea and started fixing it, adding the milk and sugar. He set it on the tray and carried it back to Zira’s room, walking to sit it on his nightstand. Zira sat himself up and tried fixing his pillow behind him, leaning his head back.

“Alright, Angel?”

“Mm… Smells good, Anthony. Is that from Giovanni’s? You’re so good to me…” Zira muttered out. His head tilted to the side and he glanced up to Crowley. A small smile graced his lips, his hands clasping in his lap. Crowley felt his chest tighten and he nodded, moving the tray to stand over Zira’s lap.

“Zira I’m here to take care of you… I know you’re not feeling good, but um… Just don’t tease me…”

“Huh?

Crowley sat next to Zira on the edge of the bed. He was nervous. He’d given this thought. Maybe not enough thought… 

“Zira I want to stay here and take care of you. I don’t like you to be sick and have to do things yourself, of course. I just want to be respectful to you… Your feelings. Just… I want to know if I’m pushing you, your limits. We were going to talk tonight but obviously not… But I want to talk. When you’re ready, and if I do something that you don’t like just let me know, please.”

“Anthony…” Zira reached up and touched his cheek, “Darling… Go get something to eat and sit with me. We can talk if you want. I’ll try my best.”

“No… It’s nearly midnight. We can talk in the morning. I’ll sleep on the couch… Finish eating though, Angel…” Crowley leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, a hand coming up to touch Zira’s.

“Thank you… For all this.”

Crowley hummed, turning into the hand and kissing his palm, “Anything for you…”

Zira had nearly half of his soup, taking two bites of the bread before giving in. He was just too tired, but it was better to take medication with food in his stomach than chance vomiting it up. Crowley held his pills out and water, waiting patiently as Zira popped them into his mouth and sipped the cold liquid down.

Zira slept through the night, humidifier running on full blast. Crowley didn’t push their talking about their relationship, and quietly cleaned up Zira’s dinner before laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Thoughts padded through his mind about their past year apart. It didn’t last long. He slipped into a deep sleep quickly, tired from his long day of travel.

This went on for a week. Crowley tended to Zira, even learning how to make soup for him. He found some excellent recipes online, and made sure to pick up anything and everything Zira needed. Books, movies, medication, snacks, and a daily trip to the bakery for a special treat. He made sure his soup ingredients were always fresh from the grocer and the butcher with only prime cuts of meat. He stopped for flowers when Zira started feeling better. 

It was exactly a week when Crowley decided he was good at this, and enjoyed doting on his love. Zira, on the other hand, hated being doted on so much, but enjoyed every moment while he could. Crowley  _ was  _ different. He’d  _ never _ cooked before. He’d never run errands before either. On Tuesday when Crowley brought him flowers, he sat in the couch and started sobbing.

“Zira?” Crowley fretted, sitting beside him, “Zira what- what’s wrong, Angel?”

“You… The way you’re treating me.”

Crowley felt his breathing stop. What did he do? He looked around to see if there was a mess, or if he’d broken or burnt something.

“Zira I- I don’t understand…”

“You’re so sweet, Anthony… You’re taking such good care of me it’s… it’s…” Zira sniffed and wiped his eyes, reaching to grab Crowley’s hands, “Thank you.”

“Zira you gave me a heart attack, don’t do that.” Crowley let out a big breath, smiling, “I’m rather good at taking care of you, aren’t I?” He winked. Zira flushed, looking at their hands.

“I suppose you are…”


	10. Love on the Brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> A little CW: A smidge NSFW at the end of this. There are THINGS happening. All good! 
> 
> I'm sorry to say... This is ending this week! AAAH! There are 3 chapters left, and the next one is actually more a bonus chapter considering the amount of FILTH I packed into it. I still don't believe I wrote it. It's absolutely filthy. Alright maybe it was me, to be perfectly honest. Anywho. I'm sad! But it'll be alright. I have so many goodies waiting to be reviewed and sent out to you, and I'm working on something brandy new. My IG followers know what's up, I give updates on what I'm doing here and there but no spoilers! Although I maybe spoiled some things with that poll but...
> 
> Crap am I still talking? Are you still reading?
> 
> This chapter's song because GAH it's good and sexy.
> 
> [Love On The Brain - Rihanna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RyInjfgNc4&app=desktop)
> 
> Final post will be Thursday and I will cry over the weekend. Until then, my lovies. (Gotta work on a catch phrase...)

Zira was feeling better after another week. Crowley stopped sleeping over and would go home after dinner, making sure Zira really didn’t need anything else. He helped him with cooking and even cleaned, which nearly made Zira call the police and say he was an imposter. Crowley found he was a rather okay chef. He made soups and stews, grilled all sorts of marinated meats, and even attempted a slow cooker recipe or two on some particularly rainy days. He was proud the night he made a chicken pot pie, even if it was a pre-made dough. 

He’d shop in the morning on his way to Zira’s, hitting up the grocer, butcher, florist, and of course the bakery. If there was one thing Zira loved it was their miniature cakes. They were stocked daily with an assortment of mini cheesecakes and carrot cakes, key lime pies and cannolis. He’d come in, flowers in his arm, box of pastries in one hand and bag of groceries in the other.

Zira would swoon and meet him at the door. He’d try to take the groceries but was tutted away, being handed the flowers and cakes instead. Crowley would kiss him on the cheek, then start working in the kitchen on lunch and dinner.

Zira sent pictures to Ana and Newt, making sure this was really the right Crowley, and they weren’t playing a trick on him. He honestly thought Crowley from ten years ago had appeared in his life again. Maybe he was one of those time traveling doctors he’d heard so much about… 

Two weeks later, Ana and Newt were home from their honeymoon. Zira started to get back to work with Newt, as Crowley started to meet with Ana for tour rehearsals. Zira was still miserable, but when you’re second in charge at a company, who was above you to chew you out?

He made several dozen phone calls a day, letting his clients and artists know he was available again and back from his month long vacation. He hardly saw Newt, who was busy with his own clientele. Zira kept his phone close, texting Crowley back and forth through the day. At night Zira would call him. Crowley would immediately take over the conversation asking how his day was, how was the lunch he’d made for him, was Newt a wanker… Zira would hang up when he got home and his smile lit up the street. He’d go inside to a fresh vase of flowers and a prepared dinner waiting to be warmed up. Even when Crowley was busy, he was taking care of him. Flowers and dinner, phone calls and… love.

Zira was nervous, and as he warmed his dinner he began to think. What if he changed back? What if he turned into an asshat again, treating him like dirt on his shoe? He shook his head and sighed, stirring his jambalaya. Can’t get ahead of yourself. Can’t start getting so negative.

Crowley, on the other hand, was on cloud nine. Ana really wanted to push him off the stage. He was like a little puppy in love with its master. She wanted to be sick.

“I just got married, Crowley. How are you more disgusting than me?”

“Because I know I’m in a good place, Ana. I know he loves me and… And we’re going to get married, and travel, and I’m going to sing to him every night-“

“You’re insane.” Ana’s eyes rolled.

“Love you too, buttercup.” He winked, turning to strum his guitar. The tour was starting in a month. They had quite a bit of work to do.

For five days a week, early morning until late at night, they rehearsed. Songs, sound checks, staging. Things to say to the audience between songs, in what countries to say what, when to stand and walk. Special things to do for each show, like walk into the audience when safe, and special promotional giveaways like backstage passes. They had various calls into radio stations around the world promoting the tour, but declined any television interviews due to the short time they had to get ready. There wasn’t a need for it, really. Ana was such a successful artist as it was, and they were pushing Crowley’s new sound, tickets were sold out in a matter of minutes.

The tour was set to begin in London on Friday. Monday, Ana decided to call rehearsals off so they could rest their vocal chords and relax before busting ass for six months. Five shows a weekend. All different songs and sets to remember. Where to be, when to be, how to be, and why to be. It was like a bad rendition of Hamlet at this point. Zira was helping keep him straightened out though with his itinerary. Crowley had to admit, he was the most organized and thought out manager anyone could ask for. If only he was his manager. He hadn’t spoken to that… That person whomever it was, in nearly two years. Maybe he didn’t even have a manager anymore at this point?

“Anthony? Darling are you alright?”

Crowley jumped and looked up at Zira. He was so lost in thought, he forgot they were at a restaurant having dinner. He offered a sleepy smile to Zira and reached over, taking his hand.

“Just tired is all, Angel. Tour business, stressing me out a bit. Too many ‘what if’s’ and things to keep track of. I’m glad I have this week off though. Get to see you more.” He gave Zira’s hand a squeeze, thumb running over his knuckles. Zira looked where their hands met and found himself lost in thought for a moment. 

It’d been two months since the wedding and Crowley had been… Everything he hadn’t been before. They never did speak about setting limits on this dating thing, but he’d been so respectful to Zira. He took such good care of him while he was sick the first few weeks. When Zira recovered they started going out on the weekends to restaurants, movies, anything and everything. When Crowley wasn’t rehearsing, he was somehow with Zira. He sometimes went to his apartment and Zira stroked his hair until he fell asleep with his head in his lap. He sometimes called and talked to him on the ride home so he  _ wouldn’t _ fall asleep behind the wheel. At very least, it was a text that Newt drove him home and he was asleep.

It was wonderful, and it was everything that Zira could ever need or want. Crowley being… himself. Not some grungy musician forced to get drunk and hit on people at the bar for a bad boy image. Not ignoring him completely unless it was for sex. Especially that… 

They hadn’t discussed moving their relationship along just yet. Zira was nervous still, just as Crowley was about his tour. But this time Zira wasn’t alone. He had friends, family to support him. Well, he’d have family if Crowley would ever introduce him to Mr. Shadwell which, in his defense, wasn’t exactly appropriate just yet. But Ana and Newt, they were just as much family as anything. 

“Angel are  _ you  _ alright?”

Zira took another moment and squeezed his hand tighter.

“No… I’m not.” He finally admitted. Crowley’s eyes widened as Zira looked up finally, a smile spreading across his lips, “I’m not alright at all, Crowley.” His smile brightened.

“Zira you’re… You’re acting weird. What’s going on?” Crowley frowned. Zira stood, walking around the table to touch Crowley’s cheek, thumb stroking over his cheek. Crowley leaned into the touch, concerned. He touched the hand on his cheek and brought it between them. His breath stopped as Zira dropped down to one knee in front of him.

“Anthony…”

“Zira ha… what are…”

“I’m not proposing.”

“Oh thank god.” Crowley gasped out, a hand clenching his chest, “No offense Zira I’d… I’d just be so confused-”

“Can I finish?”

“Hm? Oh… Right.” Crowley breathed, his heart slowing down from hyperdrive.

“Anthony, my darling… It’s been two months since you’ve come back into my life and now you’re leaving me again on tour. The past two months with you have been… Amazing Crowley. You were so attentive to me when I was sick. You’ve been… Just… so… You really have changed, darling.” Zira blushed softly, taking both of his hands, “I think… I mean it’s been two months… Crowley…”

“Zira you’re rambling.” Crowley raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward, bringing Zira’s hands up to kiss his knuckles sweetly, “What’s going on, Angel?”

“I just… I’m so nervous still, you see? I’ve been thinking though since you’re leaving like I had said… I want us… We were slow before, see? Now I don’t want to do that part anymore. I don’t want to do the slow thing. Do you see… Do you get it?”

Crowley’s cheeks warmed and he nodded, a smile spreading across his face, “I get it, Angel. I’m ready when you are. For anything that you are.”

“Can… Can we go home then?” Zira asked softly, standing up, “If I only have you with me a few more days I think… I think I’d like to take advantage of that.”

“You’re not coming on tour? I thought you were going to be there, with me. Maybe not watching every show but… the first few maybe?”

Zira felt himself struggle with this. It reminded him of old times but… It tugged at his heart strings. He knew it wasn’t going to be every show, he wasn’t going to travel on tour with him. It was different, not being forced to travel, and go to parties that he was uncomfortable at. Zira tugged Crowley up and threw quite a bit of cash on the table, his hand sneaking behind Crowley’s waist. They started walking out, ignoring the looks they got and whispers of ‘Is that Anthony Crowley? He’s alive?!’

They made it outside and into the Bentley, Crowley holding the door open and closing it behind d Zira before getting in himself. Zira waited while he ran around the hood, slipping in.

“Tour… You’re not coming?”

“I can’t… The office, Newt is going with Ana in case-“ Zira clammed up quickly and flushed.

“In case…? In case what?

“In case… She needs help?” Zira began fidgeting with his jacket, cheeks burning. Crowley saw through it.

“In case  _ what _ , Angel?”

“She… goes into labor…?” Zira offered. Crowley’s jaw was slack, nearly hit the floor, “Oh I’m not supposed to tell, Anthony, I’m so sorry! They were so adamant that I keep it a secret so you don’t get worked up before the tour and- what- what are you-“

Crowley had his phone out. With two swipes, it was up to his ear.

“Anthony don’t! I’m going to be in trouble for telling you and-“

“When the  _ fuck _ were you going to tell me I’m gonna be an Uncle?!” Crowley yelled into the phone. He grinned and winked at Zira, reaching to touch his hand and give it a squeeze. 

“Anthony…”

“Congratulations. I’m happy for you. But… You bet your ass I’m mad! Don’t you dare take this out on Zira. ...Hello? Helloooo?” Crowley looked at his phone and shrugged, throwing it to the side, “Guess I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

Crowley started the engine. Queen blared from the speakers as he took off to Zira’s apartment. He was quiet, and Zira wasn’t comfortable with that.

“So when we’re you going to tell me you’re not coming? Backstage?” Crowley frowned, hands gripping the wheel, “I thought… I just thought you’d be there.”

“Anthony I want to be there with you, you know that. I just… I can’t take six months away from the office like that, especially with Newt being out at the same time.”

“Zira, the shows are on the weekends. You  _ can _ come to those shows though, can’t you?”

“Anthony… Please, don’t make this harder than it is… I’ll be able to come to  _ some _ of them but I really have so much work I have to keep up with. I’m sorry… Really.” Zira looked down at his hands and clenched them together.

“‘s fine…” Crowley shook his head, gripping the wheel and taking a sharp turn, sharper than he should have. It really wasn’t. He was upset, he felt empty. He’d be on the road for six months, away from Zira again for such a long time. He really didn't want that, he didn’t want to leave him at all. The past two months had been amazing. He wanted that, always.

A hand reached over and touched his thigh softly, nervously. Crowley pulled into his parking spot and looked down at it, then up to the source of that hand. Zira was looking at his hand on Crowley’s leg. He looked miserable, upset. Crowley  _ hated _ it.

“Zira… Talk to me.”

Zira’s eyes glanced up and his chin lifted. Crowley could see the wheels grinding in his head, the thoughts bouncing off one another, and he was afraid of what he was going to say. But he didn’t say a word. Zira threw himself at him, kissing him and pressing him up against the door. Crowley gasped and grabbed his shoulders, pushing him away with all his might.

“Zira… Zira  _ stop _ .”

“Anthony…” Zira whispered softly. He sat back in his seat, red in the face with embarrassment. He pulled his knees up to his chest quickly, “I’m sorry… I don’t want to lose you again… I don’t want you to leave me.”

“I don’t want to leave you, Zira… You know I-“

“I love you.” Zira looked up to Anthony, nervous. He hadn’t said it in years… Now here it was, in the open, “I love you, Anthony… With all my heart. I always have, I never stopped all these years. I just-”

Crowley grabbed Zira and pulled him back against him, hugging Zira’s head close to his chest. He didn’t say one word, but Zira knew. He always knew. He hugged Crowley tightly and stroked his back softly, letting every feeling he had escape him. If he cried, if he cursed, anything. It was silent in the car for a few minutes as Crowley collected himself, fingers grasping blonde curls and anything else he could touch.

“Zira… My Zira… I love you so… so  _ fucking _ much and always have. I can’t live my life without you, Angel. You are my entire world.” Crowley gripped him tighter, if possible, breath shaky. He buried his face into Zira’s hair and moved his hand to hold the back of his neck, swallowing hard.

“Oh… Anthony…” Zira shifted himself to be face to face with him, “It kills me to be apart from you… It does and… I don’t want to be, I never want to be again. Just know… Just know I promise I will always be yours.” Zira took Crowley’s hand and brought it to his chest where the necklace lay, their hands clasped over his ring. 

“Does… Does this mean we’re… Together? We’re back?” Crowley swallowed, flipping his hand to hold Zira’s. He didn’t want to assume anything. Things had been so good, and they loved one another… Why wouldn’t they be back together? Right? That’s a stupid thought, right?

“If you want me…” Zira said shyly, bringing Crowley’s hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles sweetly, nuzzling into it. 

“Did you even listen to a  _ word _ I just said?” Crowley smirked. Zira flushed and felt his body being tipped back, Crowley coming to lay on top of him. They kissed, sweet before turning messy and passionate. Hands roamed and explored bodies, searching for any piece of one another that they could touch. Crowley desperately wanted to draw gasps and whines out of Zira’s throat, while Zira wanted to feel Crowley’s mouth all over him. Windows began to fog and hips began to grind against one another through uncomfortable denims, when Zira stopped it.

“Anthony… Can we go inside? Not that- Ah- Not that I don’t enjoy- Oh hell…” Crowley latched to his neck and started biting, sucking hard at the one spot that made Zira’s toes curl. Zira’s hips bucked up and a grunt left his throat, followed shortly by pleading.

“What do you want Angel? Tell me everything… I’ll give you the world.”

“You… You, Anthony you, always you… You  _ are _ my world…” Zira gasped out, head falling back and legs wrapping around his waist. Crowley felt his cheeks warm and he realized he froze in place.

“Angel…”

“Did- Oh Anthony I’m sorry did I say-”

“I want…” Crowley paused, “I want you to take me…” 

It was Zira’s turn to stiffen. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d been inside Crowley, or if he’d ever done it at all actually. It was usually plugs or dildos, some sort of toy while he fucked Zira. Zira searched his eyes and stroked a hand through that gorgeous red hair, his breath still heavy.

“Anthony… I don’t know that I’ve ever… We’ve ever…”

“Never. I’ve never with anyone… You’d be my first.”

Zira’s eyes flew open wide as Crowley sat up over him, allowing space for Zira to sit up as well. They stared at one another, the shock of the situation setting in. Crowley was a  _ virgin _ . In a manner of speaking. All their years together and they’d never even given it a thought, or a try. Crowley never expressed an interest, and Zira just never had the courage to ask.

“Should we… should we go inside then? I don’t want your first time in a car- Anthony how is this honestly your first time?”

“You’ve never fucked me so… This is my first time.” Crowley shrugged, taking the key out of the ignition. Zira started doing the math. If  _ he’d  _ never fucked him, then… Was it possible…

“Darling… Have- and I’m not asking this to be cynical… Have you ever um… with anyone besides me”

Crowley felt his cheeks turn bright red and he held the keys in his lap, holding them tightly and he shook his head. The teeth of the keys dug into his palm, but it was alright. They’d never had such an intimate conversation about their sex life. He didn’t know why he was being so damn shy.

“You… You are the only one I’ve ever done um… well  _ anything  _ with, Zira…”

Zira’s eyebrows raised and he let his mouth turn into a smile. After years of watching him flirt with others, the drinking, the fans, there had been a deeply buried insecurity that this statement soothed. Zira suddenly felt the relief of an unknown weight lifting. He tilted his head to the left and right, before leaning in close to Crowley’s ear.

“Let’s get you inside then. I’ll be as gentle as you want me to be.”

Crowley nodded dumbly, and they made their way inside of Zira’s apartment.


	11. Body Language (BONUS)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Chapter - NSFW, Explicit Content. Can skip if you're not comfortable, I'm ok with that. I still adore you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE: Skip if you don't want to read. This is super NSFW. You're not hurting anyone's feelings. I know some like to bypass. I appreciate you! :3 *throws happy sparkles on you*
> 
> *Throws nsfw sparkles on everyone else* It's a BONUS CHAPTER!! (Insert whatever that sound is the kids play these days) What is it, a fog horn? You know the one. Pew pew... Not a laser. I'm over it. I have officially shown my age. You young whippersnappers and your pew pews. 
> 
> WARNING: THIS SHIT IS FILTHY. 3,774 WORDS OF FILTHY SMUT. I wrote this a long time ago. I just now reread this and WOO. Cold shower time!
> 
> PLEASE: Again, Skip if you don't want to read it! I'm really super okay with it. Really. You're still a love. *pat pat*
> 
> How could this not be a Queen song? :3  
> [Body Language - Queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2EDkv_dyeI)

“Anthony…”

“Mm…”

“ _ Anthony…” _

“Mm…?”

Zira was shoved against his door, shirt hanging open exposing his torso. There was a mouth attached to his neck like some kind of leach drawing red marks all over his body. A thin fingered hand was cupping his cock, palming against the erection found beneath his trousers.

“As… As wonderful as this is I thought- ah- I thought you mentioned me taking- mm- taking you?” That naughty mouth latched onto a nipple and nearly sucked it off his body, teeth grazing before a cool breath blew right across the wet skin. Zira’s head tilted back into the door and his hips thrust forward into Crowley’s hand.

“I did say that…” Crowley purred. He leaned up to Zira’s ear, licking over the shell, “How do you want me?”

“How do  _ you _ want  _ me _ ?” Zira asked, a much better question. Crowley paused and stood, nose brushing against Zira’s and a soft kiss pressed to wet, swollen lips.

“What’s your favorite way? Or the easiest…” Crowley started to unbutton his own shirt and shrugged it off his shoulders, throwing it to the ground. Zira thought, which was hard to do with Crowley around. He kept touching him, stroking and caressing his skin. His own shirt wound up on the ground with Crowley’s, and then trousers were unbuttoned, and a hand shoved into them greedily.

“Fah- For your first time I’d sah- Anthony stop let me tah- talk.” Zira gasped, grinding into that hand that was pumping him in just the right way. His breath caught and cheeks flared red, a loud moan leaving his throat, “Honestly… On top… or behind- N- No don’t do that!”

Crowley dropped to his knees and pulled Zira’s pants down around his ankles. He grabbed his shaft and leaned in. He licked a thick strip right up the underside of his cock. Zira fisted a hand into his hair quickly, his other hand clenching tightly, slamming against the door as he swore.

“Why not, Angel?”

“You’re… You’re going to be the death of me…”

“No, you’re going to come down my throat. It’s not  _ that _ bad.” Crowley winked, licking over the tip.

“You’re going to have to wait… Until I can get hard again… If you do- Ah!” Zira gasped as Crowley took him into his mouth, starting to slowly bob his head. Crowley didn’t mind. He’d wait for eternity to have Zira. He’d suck him, fuck him, and then let Zira fuck him if that’s what it took. 

Crowley wrapped his hands around Zira and pulled him close, taking his entire length in at once. That wasn’t a bad idea, after all. Zira cried out and tightened his grip on Crowley’s hair, breath ragged.

“Darling… Anthony  _ please _ …” Zira begged. Crowley moved his mouth away and looked up, fist jerking his cock oh so slowly, teasingly.

“Please? Please what, Zira?”

“Bedroom. Bedroom, Anthony  _ please _ !” Zira slammed his head back into the door again with a loud thump. 

Crowley  _ loved _ to get him like this. Worked up, gasping for air, begging for his cock. Zira had always liked when Crowley was rough. He enjoyed the hair pulling and spanking, when Crowley shoved him into the mattress and made him see stars. Zira loved to  _ feel _ , is what it was. He never did enjoy soft and slow, from what Crowley could gather. He wanted it hard, his nerves to be set on edge, to feel something above himself. That power that Crowley had over him was dangerous, in such a fantastic way. 

Zira wanted it all. He’d tried most everything he could think of- Crowley had always been onboard with his fantasies, and never questioned them once. Tying him down, using toys, spanking, paddling, clamps- everything short of a machine, which Crowley was quite opposed to. If anyone was going to drill into Zira, it was going to be him and not some jackhammering dildo on a stick, thank you very much.

But tonight… It was Crowley’s turn. Crowley was trying very hard to cover his nerves, and it wasn’t working very well. He wasn’t sure that he would like it like Zira would. He loved to give to Zira like that, because it was what Zira liked. He loved to pleasure him, however Zira asked, whatever he wanted. Crowley was… Trying to think back to their first time… Which was quite a long time ago.

“Anthony?”

“Hm?”

“You’ve been quiet… Just sitting there, are you alright?” Crowley realized that they had sat on the bed and he was looking at his shoes. Zira was completely naked and waiting. Crowley noticed his dick was softening from lack of attention as he pondered. 

“I’m nervous.” Crowley said. He didn’t hold back his feelings, there was no need for it. He was safe, he was  _ loved _ . Zira gave him a sweet smile and scooted closer to him on the edge of the bed. He enveloped Crowley in his arms, kissing the top of his head.

“You’re thinking too much into it… I was nervous my first time with you. Anthony you were so sweet and gentle.” Zira smiled, a blush filling his cheeks, “I think I cried after.”

“You did. You cried...” Crowley looked horrified.

“I was happy. You were everything I ever wanted, we were so perfect and… I’d like to show you that feeling, Anthony… How very loved you are.” Zira lay Crowley back gently, brushing their noses together before pressing a chaste kiss to his soft lips. 

“Is this alright?” He asked, a hand stroking down his side. Crowley swallowed and nodded, leaning up to brush a kiss to Zira. He returned the touch, allowing Crowley to lay back as they lazily kissed, sharing the most intimate of touches with just their mouths. Tongues intertwined, mingling in a dance as Zira softly touched Crowley’s chest. His thumb met with a nipple and brushed, drawing a beautiful moan from Crowley’s throat as he arched up into it.

“Zira…” He whined, pushing himself up closer to Zira, “Please, Angel…”

“I’ll get there. You just lay back and be patient.” Zira purred. He dipped down to kiss Crowley’s neck, soft butterfly touches caressing his skin. Goosebumps raked down Crowley’s arms and he lay back again, groaning in need. He wanted, he craved, but he knew what was happening. Zira was taking advantage of the situation and being the most giving, attentive lover he could. Crowley hated how much he loved it.

Zira sat up and stroked a hand down the side of Crowley’s face, “Darling… Get on the pillow. You’re not very comfortable looking.”

“Mm so comfortable.” Crowley sighed happily. He sat up and kissed Zira regardless, moving up the bed to take a seat by the headboard, “Do you want my pants off, Angel? Happy to help.”

Zira pondered this a moment, “I supposed it’d make my life- oh, ok.” He stopped. Crowley had thrown them onto the floor before he could even get the thought out, “Can you let  _ me _ lead, Anthony?”

“Sorry… I get excited, you know that.” Crowley winked. Zira flushed softly and crawled over him, kissing his sweet mouth.

“I can see that.” He smirked, a finger running up his cock, swirling around the tip. Crowley fell back into the mound of pillows with a moan, his eyes closing. Zira continued to stroke, one finger, then another just barely a touch. Crowley was unraveling, panting and grabbing at the sheets below him.

“Zira… I swear… to something… if you don’t-”

Zira leaned down and wrapped his lips around the head of his cock, tongue swirling just how Crowley always craved it. A sharp cry sprung from his lips and Crowley tilted his head up, watching the blonde curls start to bob around his waist, sucking him, swallowing him whole. Crowley laced a finger through those curls and grabbed, hard, just how he knew Zira liked it and was rewarded with a moan that vibrated right through his cock.

“Oh- Oh  _ fuck _ .” Crowley gasped. He sat up, leaning back on an arm as the other continued to hold Zira’s head, pushing him down, driving his movements faster. Zira bent his legs up and over his shoulders, holding his hips in one hand while the other reached up into Crowley’s mouth. Blue eyes shot him a look- and how could Crowley say no when his mouth was so beautifully stretched around his cock?

Crowley opened his mouth and took three fingers in, and their dance had really begun. Zira’s head bobbing, holding Crowley down, three fingers being sucked and slathered in Crowley’s mouth as he let out short moans around the digits and gripped into Zira’s hair tightly.

Zira pulled his fingers away suddenly and his mouth at the same time. Crowley sobbed at the loss, reaching for him but was tutted away.

“Not ready. Need to get ready.” Zira showed him the fingers that were just in his mouth. He reached down between Crowley’s legs and a single finger brushed softly against his entrance, causing Crowley to shift away uncomfortably.

“I- I forgot… Do you need lube too, Zira?” He was looking to the side table, anxiety growing. Zira nodded, allowing Crowley to get the bottle and keep it close.

“I promise you, Anthony… I swear if you want me to stop we can…”

“No. No don’t stop, I want this. Really. It’s… It’s just new.”

Zira nodded, understanding and took the lube. He added some to his fingers, pulling Crowley’s leg to bend up next to him. Zira kissed his kneecap and smiled up at him, “Here’s one, with extra lube, ok? Try to relax. Remember, it’s just me.”

Crowley nodded and lay back, reaching to take Zira’s other hand and hold it. How was this happening? Zira had barely touched him and he suddenly felt like some ridiculous blushing virgin from one of those flowery romance stories Zira loved… It was a surreal experience. That one single digit pushed in slowly, watching Crowley the entire time until it was buried as far as it could go. Crowley wrinkled his nose at the feeling and shifted before nodding that he was alright. Zira kissed his knee again and started to work that finger in and out, slowly getting him used to the feeling of penetration. It was familiar, but so much different than any toy they had used. It was that much more. The intimacy, how gentle Zira was and how real he was.

“More…” Crowley asked, legs spreading wider, cock leaking onto his stomach, “More, Zira…”

Zira nodded and added a second finger, slowly just as the first pushing it in. Crowley groaned and willed himself to relax against the foreign touch. His breath was ragged, hands grasping at Zira’s and the other at the sheets about to rip them apart. Zira watched his face and squeezed his hand, slowly pumping his hand into Crowley’s body, drawing moans from him. When he was relaxed enough, he asked.

“One more, darling?”

“One more… One more, Zira please… Then I need you.”

Zira felt shivers run down his spine and he smiled at the words. It was wonderful to hear Crowley say he needed him. That he wanted him. This was his first time like this too, after all. Zira added more lube to his fingers as they thrust out, then every so slowly, introduced his three fingers into Crowley’s body.

“Ah- Fuck, Zira!” Crowley cried out, eyes clenched shut. He wasn’t expecting it- Hell, Zira’s fingers were rather thick, after all, maybe he should have been. They  _ were _ just in his mouth! Zira stopped and swallowed, fingers only partially inside.

“Anthony…?”

“I’m okay… I’m fine keep going.” Crowley panted, biting his lip. Zira leaned up and kissed him sweetly, before pushing the three in further, just further, until he was knuckle deep.

“You’re taking me so well, darling.” Zira purred, hoping a little praise would help. Crowley felt his entire body shiver at the words and he looked up to Zira a moment, then down to notice their hands holding.

“Did… Am I hurting you?”

“Not at all… Am I hurting  _ you _ ?”

“Tight… But I’m fine.” Crowley admitted. Zira leaned up and kissed him lovingly, thrusting those fingers in and out gently. He started to pick up speed as Crowley adapted, pushing back against the thrusts. That’s when he started searching for his prostate. It was easier to find than he thought.

“There.”

“Oh- Oh  _ fuck _ Zira…!” Crowley arched and yelled, short nails trying to find his skin and dig into it, “Tha- don’t do that- I’ll come, I can’t yet… I want you… Please, get inside me, shit…” Crowley was babbling, reaching for Zira. Zira grabbed the lube, his hand holding Crowley’s flipping so he could generously squirt a pile onto Crowley’s palm.

“Get me ready, Anthony.” Zira purred, moving his hand to grab at his cock. Crowley came back down to earth and realized what he was doing and began jerking Zira off, watching his face twist with pleasure. 

“I want you… to fuck me Zira… I can’t wait… for this thick cock to slam into me… You’re so big… It’s going to be so tight… Can you imagine?” Crowley squeezed his hand tighter and jerked him a moment longer before Zira shoved him away, gasping for air.

“Stop… Stop that…” He growled out. Crowley grinned mischievously and lay back, spreading his legs and hooking one onto Zira’s shoulder.

“Then get on with it…”

“How about you stop talking so I  _ can _ ?”

“Mmm… Yes, sir.”

It was Zira’s turn to shiver and moan. Oh, he did like being in control. Now, Crowley calling him sir… His cock twitched just at the thought of it. He’d have to revisit that another time. Now, it was his turn to make love to Crowley. Not dominate him.

Zira arranged Crowley’s legs so they were bent up around his waist and he leaned forward. One arm was holding him up, planted next to Crowley’s chest and the other was touching his waist. Zira’s thumb gently stroked his hip, and finally, blue caught gold and they paused.

“Ready, Anthony?” Zira asked. He was nervous- not trembling like Crowley was a bit, but still nervous. Crowley nodded, swallowing to catch his breath but leaned up and kissed Zira, heels digging into his plush ass.

“Ready… Ready as I can be, Angel.” He nodded, offering a smile. Zira moved his hand from Crowley’s hip and grabbed his cock to position himself at Crowley’s stretched entrance. He heard Crowley’s breath hitch and his body tensed. Zira looked up and watched his face scrunch. Crowley sighed and relaxed, eyes opening to see him again.

“Okay… I’m fine, Zira… Keep going.”

Zira nodded and pushed gently, hand coming to hold Crowley’s hip as he was drawn further and further inside. It seemed to take forever, but it was the greatest forever either had experienced in such a long time. Finally, Zira found himself buried to the hilt. It gave him a moment to adjust, get better leverage, check in on Crowley most importantly.

“Anthony… Anthony are you alright?”

Crowley was blissed out. His breath was shallow and his short nails were digging into Zira’s shoulders. There’d be marks in the morning, without a shadow of a doubt. But they’d be  _ his _ marks. They’d tell the world this was his lover, his Zira. He was spoken for.

“Perfect… So perfect, Zira… Angel you can move… I want to  _ feel _ you…” Crowley pleaded, heels digging into him. Zira swallowed and nodded. His free hand stroked up Crowley’s thigh to grab his hip. He let out a few shuddering breaths before he started an almost punishingly slow pace of thrusting his hips.

“Tell me… if this hurts… You’re so  _ tight _ , Anthony…” Zira gasped as he pushed back into him. Crowley’s head tilted back and he tried to even out his breathing, but it was impossible. Zira was just too filling, and the sounds he was making- the grunts and moans… He was done for.

“Fuck me… Fuck me Zira…” Crowley begged, “I’m fine… It’s so good… I need you… I don’t want it slow…”

“Anthony…”

“Give me… your cock… until I  _ scream _ .” Crowley demanded. He grabbed Zira’s hair and pulled roughly, pushing himself up to lick a thick strip up his neck, “Fuck me… The way  _ you _ like to be fucked.”

Zira cried out and bit directly onto Crowley’s shoulder, piercing the skin. Crowley groaned at the pain, bucking his hips up against Zira and thrusting back against him.

“Anthony… I wanted… I wanted it to be slow…”

“Ziraaa… I can’t do slow… Not after fucking you… You hate slow… Give me what  _ you _ like… I want  _ you _ , I don’t want slow… I want Aziraphale Fell to fuck my brains out.” 

Zira’s breath hitched at the sound of his full name and he grabbed Crowley’s wrists, slamming them down on either side of his head. That certainly sparked the beast within him. Slow was gone. Zira was taking over.

“You sure you want this? You want me to fuck you how I like it?” Zira started to roll his hips into Crowley, leaning down to suck on his bottom lip, “I’m going to fuck you, Anthony… Until you  _ scream _ my name. And then I’m going to fuck you more. You like that? My thick cock splitting your tight ass apart?”

“Ooh… Oh  _ fuck _ !”

“Mmm… Maybe I’ll come inside you, fill you right up… Or should I come all over this pretty face?”

Crowley cried out and his legs wound around Zira’s hips, trying to fuck himself back onto him. Zira grinned and sat up, holding his hips steady. He gave Crowley nothing but a smirk and started a slow thrust, snapping his hips forward and making Crowley grunt at every impact. So much for slow- this was more Zira’s speed, and if this is what Crowley wanted for his first time, who was he to deny such a gorgeous being?

“Fuh- Zira- st- ha- stop- holding- back-” Crowley got out between thrusts, panting and holding Zira tightly. Zira growled and leaned closer.

“I want to flip us around… I want you to ride my cock… You take it so well, look at you.” Zira murmured into his ear. His hand lifted from Crowley’s waist and smacked his ass quite hard, grabbing the fleshy muscle tightly. Crowley gasped and cried out, gripping Zira tighter and nodding.

Zira initiated the roll, making sure his cock never left Crowley as they adjusted themselves. Crowley was now straddling Zira’s hips on his knees. The flush from his face now over his shoulders and down his chest. He felt so exposed, so at Zira’s mercy. He loved it.

Zira lay back and grabbed his hips, bending his legs up behind Crowley, “That’s it… I can see you much better now, darling. Now fuck yourself on me… Use my cock to get yourself off.”

“Nnahh-!” Crowley sputtered out. Zira thrust his hips roughly up into him as he spoke and a grin spread across his cheeks. Crowley whined and grabbed his chest, starting to lift himself up and back down, getting used to the angle and the drag of Zira’s cock inside of him. It was marvelous. His head tilted back as Zira’s hands came to pinch and pull at his nipples, driving him crazy.

“Such a good boy… Are you getting close, Anthony?” Zira started to thrust up into him. He dipped a hand down to grab his prick, jerking him off. Crowley cried out and gripped Zira’s chest tighter, short moans escaping his throat as Zira jackhammered into him.

“Fuck- fuck- fuck- oh  _ fuck _ Zira I’m gonna come- I’m gonna-” He hollered Zira’s name and gave in, his hot release painting Zira’s chest and belly. He tightened around Zira’s cock, his insides squeezing him and pulling his orgasm closer.

“Good… Good Anthony… I’m… I’m so close….”

“Don’t stop… Come inside me… Fill me, Zira… Please… Fuck…” Crowley gasped, using what he had left for energy to hold himself up. Zira leaned up and grasped his hips in one hand, the other grabbing Crowley’s hair. He started to fuck into him at a brutal pace. Crowley’s moans vibrating through the thrusts as his head was forced back. The sound of skin slapping against skin reverberated through the room. Zira’s eyes closed tightly and he grit his teeth. With one last hard thrust upward he released, arms hugging around Crowley and holding him through the most powerful orgasm he’d ever had.

They lay, Crowley on top of Zira for what seemed like a millennium. Crowley pressed soft kisses against Zira’s head and face, while Zira stroked softly over his sides and ass, sending goosebumps over his body.

“Anthony…” Zira whispered, “That… That didn’t go according to plan…”

Crowley felt guilty. That wasn’t what Zira had wanted to do at all. He wanted soft and slow, and that was anything but. “Zira, I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to-”

“No, don’t you dare apologize. That was so much better than planned… I’ve never come so hard… In my life.” He gasped out, head laying back. Crowley’s lips curved into a smirk and he shifted, wincing.

“As… As amazingly wonderful as that all was... “

“Oh… Oh darling you’re… You’re going to be so sore tomorrow, I’m sorry.”

Crowley smiled bright enough to light up London, “Angel… You never  _ ever  _ say sorry for fucking my brains out like that.”

Zira flushed hard and let out a laugh, “Fair enough… Let me get you ice though. And water… You’ll want water.”

Zira got up, making sure Crowley was lying comfortably. He wiped himself off with his pants and made his way to the kitchen, naked. Crowley rolled to his side and propped his head up on his hand, gazing lovingly at the door where Zira just left. Mind blowing was right. He couldn’t even tell you which way was up at that moment. But he was in love… That was what mattered. Zira was the most… wonderful, caring, generous being on the planet. He was also all his. He’d never felt more in love at that single moment than ever in his life. When Zira came back with a tall glass of ice water, a warm damp cloth, and an ice pack, he knew just how lucky he was.

“Zira…”

“Spread, let me prop you up and clean you.”

“Zira.”

“Is that cloth too hot?”

“ _ Zira. _ ”

“Oh! I’m- Yes, sorry. What is it?”

“I love you, Angel.”

Zira flushed and continued to clean Crowley off, giving him sips of water every so often, “I love you too, Anthony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (INSERT ICE COLD SHOWER HERE) HOT DAMN RIGHT?!


	12. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello... You've made it to the end! I'm not crying, so you better not either. This chapter might make you cry though. Still not my fault. This is the song that made this all come together, that was my initial inspiration for this back in EARLY DECEMBER. Holy crap. I had this sitting in my "Ideas" file for ever, thought about it, thought about giving it to someone else to write, thought about not writing anymore at all (Ha, jk.) and then... Finally I said wtf, write it you fool. So here I am, writing this damn thing out and listening to these songs that I've posted for you all over and over... And now it's over. It's been written, and I'm sad to see it go but I am so happy that at least one person read it- nevermind 1000! 
> 
> Missy_Marharet you have been the most amazing through this process and I can't thank you enough for being such a supportive beta and buddy! Go have another treat yourself day because you deserve it! ;-)
> 
> Readers... My squishy little readers you are amazing. Your comments give me life and your amazing insight each chapter pushes me to be better, and to write better. Which... I feel like this was alright but I'm getting better. I haven't done creative writing like this in 100+ years since ff.net when I was like... 16 actually... ugh. I wonder if that shit is still there. Don't go looking. I don't know where to even start. 
> 
> I'm rambling like an Oscars speech. 
> 
> Here it is... The wedding song Crowley sang with Anathema, that caused this entire fic.   
> IT HAS TO BE THIS VERSION THOUGH. Don't listen to the original without Beyonce.  
>  [Perfect - Ed Sheeran ft. Beyonce](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=817P8W8-mGE)

Crowley kissed Zira desperately Friday morning. The tour began that night, and he wouldn’t see him in the audience until Saturday night. Fridays were outrageously packed days for Zira, and the weekends were no better. He had to meet with his own clients that he had still not met since his two month hiatus, and on top of that Newt’s. He had calls and meetings almost every hour, and hardly had time to eat lunch or even call Crowley during the day.

Crowley would unfortunately be in the same boat. He’d have last minute rehearsals during the day, as well as autographs, meeting fans, interviews, and warm ups. It was going to be all day, all night, and all weekend. 

Zira grasped at him tightly and closed his eyes, nuzzling into his neck, “Darling… Don’t forget I’ll be there tomorrow night. I’m going to try my damndest to be there for you when I can, I swear to you.”

“I know, Angel… I know you’re always going to be there for me.” Crowley let a smile spread across his features and he kissed Zira’s forehead, humming, “Tomorrow night then. I can’t wait to show off for you.”

**

Opening night was amazing. Crowley was relaxed, belted his songs for his time to a standing ovation. He had new songs he performed, some more upbeat than others. They weren’t his favorite. He set his best songs aside for Saturday night. He was doing something different, something big Saturday. 

The concert started at seven, and it was currently six. Crowley was in his dressing room and freaking out, Ana sitting on a sofa with Newt, the two of them laughing at him. 

“What the  _ fuck  _ am I going to do?” He yelled. He needed a paper bag to breathe into, whether or not it would work on his panic, he wanted it, “What do I say? What song? What the actual  _ fuck _ was I thinking? Ana- Oh you. I blame you, this was all your idea.”

“What?! Please, enlighten me in what way on god’s green earth this was  _ my  _ idea?” Ana rolled her eyes, pushing her glasses up her nose. Crowley snarled and paced, throwing things and picking them up as he went along.

“Crowley… What seems to be the problem?” Newt raised a calm eyebrow. He snuck an arm around Ana’s back and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head. Ana hummed, bringing their hands to cover her stomach that wasn’t quite showing yet.

“You.” He pointed right at Newt, “You’re here, because she’s got the baby, and so Zira can’t be here as often because of you. And now this is my first time performing in front of him in friggin’... Fuck I can’t do this.” Crowley paused and bit his lip. 

“Anthony you did this last night. Just go and sing, do some funny bits or whatever, and it’ll be fine.”

“It won’t! It’s  _ different!” _

“How. How the hell is this different?”

_ “I’m going to propose!” _

A silence spread through the room and Crowley turned quickly. He grabbed the back of his chair before the vanity in the dressing room, leaning into it with his head hung. His body trembled in anxiety, breathing coming heavy.

“You’re… to Zira…” Ana whispered.

“Obviously who else would it be? An aardvark?!” Crowley grumbled.

“Anthony… We need to rehearse this quickly.” Ana jumped up, grabbing his hand off the chair, “We don’t have time.”

~**~**~

The stage was set. The auditorium was light brightly before the show began. Zira walked with Newt happily to their assigned seats, chatting about the baby, the wedding, being back together with Crowley.

“How’s he been? I mean… I can’t believe I never  _ really _ met him before all this. Ten years, Zira. You’d think…”

“I know.” Zira pursed his lips in thought, “I think… I think I was just in a bad place with him to bring him around you. He was always so… Well he was an utter ass.” 

“Understatement. How about now?”

Zira beamed, cheeks pink, “He’s… He’s changed  _ so _ much, Newt. In two months he’s just… He’s back to how he used to be, how  _ we _ used to be. I really do love him… but-“

The lights dimmed and dropped to black, and the audience roared in excitement. Newt’s eyes widened and he looked to the stage, then to Zira.

“Zira but- But what?”

“I’m going to miss him so much when he’s on tour!” Zira called over the crowd. Newt let out a breath of relief, and let his phone stay in his pocket. He nearly text Ana there was an emergency…

The audience went silent. Everything went black. In the silence, heel clicks started walking toward the center of the stage. Click, click, click… the scraping of a stool into place. It was captivating. Zira was already in awe, heart racing as he waited to see him.

Suddenly a single spotlight came in and there sat Crowley. Black boots and jeans, a deep maroon shirt unbuttoned just enough to show off some chest under a black blazer. A thick chain hung around his neck like a tie, and his hair was curled and pulled half back into a small bun. A very familiar looking guitar was strapped around his chest, and a headset was over his ears broadcasting his breathing to the audience. There was more silence. Then a single string was plucked.

“As you can see… I’ve changed quite a bit, but I’m very much alive. I think I am more alive than I have ever been in my life.”

The crowd cheered wildly, and Crowley glanced over to Zira with a wink.

“I’m going to let you all know now I’m not with the Crawlers anymore.”

Another strum as the audience laughed and whooped.

“I have a new sound… You’re going to hear it here first. If you don’t like it go back and listen to the Crawlers. If you can stand it. Stick to their old stuff though.”

More applause and laughter. Zira smirked and kept sitting as everyone else stood. He glanced at Newton who was smiling just as brightly.

“Well they told me my set had to have at least three or four songs and you all sitting here listening to me prattle on isn’t getting me anywhere. So before Ana comes out and takes over, here we go.”

Crowley started off with an upbeat song, something about whisky and love, high heels and cigars. Zira recognized the melody immediately, his fingers tapping on his thigh as if he had piano keys. He didn’t stand, but sat with Newt as he played. He had a band behind him in the dark playing along with him, shouting out the lyrics to the chorus, getting everyone on their feet and clapping. 

He moved on to something slower and darker, then something more upbeat again. Finally, it was time. Zira frowned, watching him fumbling a bit on the stage. That was new- that wasn’t normal.

“What’s wrong?” Zira asked Newt quietly. Newt shrugged, biting his cheek to keep his mouth shut. He took out his phone and texted Ana quickly, staying quiet until he got a response.

“Ah. Ana said it’s ok, it’s his last song. Probably just jitters? It’s been a while.” He glanced over quickly and back to the stage, just as Crowley began again. 

“This last song has a very special meaning behind it. I had quite a bit of help from Ana, if she’d like to come out and join me?” Crowley looked backstage and waved Ana on. From offstage, Ana smiled and gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up. She tucked her phone away and stepped out onstage with a microphone, waving. She had a lacey, dark blue dress on that was cut high in the front and very long behind her. She wore strappy flat sandals, her long hair thrown up in some fancy bun looking knot.she made it to Crowley, who offered her his stool and had another one brought out for himself.

“A duet?” Zira asked Newt. He was hushed quickly.

“Hello, beautiful.” Crowley smiled nervously, strumming a chord. Ana kissed his cheek, holding the mic in her lap.

“Go ahead, darling.” She joked. Zira felt his chest warm. That New Years Eve. He remembered how jealous, furious he was at her. Now… Now the chaos he called life was back in order. His boyfriend- no, lover? Partner? Crowley, anyway, was with his best friend singing what he was sure to be a beautiful duet. His heart soared. Until they started singing- and it exploded.

It was the song from Ana’s wedding, their first dance. Crowley started with his deep, silky voice, fingers strumming over the guitar that Zira had given him. 

“We are still kids, but we're so in love, 

Fighting against all odds, 

I know we'll be alright this time…” 

Crowley looked straight to Zira and smiled, lighting up like a star. Zira felt something warm falling down his cheeks and smiled, laughing. He did love this one, it was beautiful and meant so much to them both. It was when Zira realized Crowley  _ was _ perfect for him, that he  _ was _ deserving. Ana jumped in for her part and Crowley continued to play, eyes never leaving Zira’s. Newt brought a hand to stroke over Zira’s back, offering some sort of comfort, even if they  _ were _ happy tears.

They collaborated on the last verse, singing in perfect harmony, giving the song the closure it deserved. There was a rousing standing ovation, cheers and screams coming from fans in the audience. Zira grabbed for Newt’s hand and sniffled. He was so full of happiness and-

“I have one last thing to do before I go, ladies and gentlemen.” Crowley said, shushing the crowd. He glanced to the side and waved his hand in front of his throat, telling the stage hands to cut his microphone out. He put his guitar on his back and ran to the side of the stage, running down the stairs. Adrenaline was flooding his veins. His breath was coming in hard. His nerves were overwhelmed. It was perfect. He was a mess. Zira looked to Newt, confused, and concerned.

“Newt what is going on?! This- He’s never done this in any show I’ve ever seen...”

All at once, Crowley was standing before him, the spotlight finding and highlighting him and Zira in the crowd. Crowley lifted his hands to take the gold chain up and off of Zira’s neck. He unclasped it and took the ring off, handing Newt the chain it was kept on. Zira was shaking.

“Anthony what… You can’t just stop a show like this, darling!”

“Aziraphale Fell…” Crowley fixed his guitar behind him so he could kneel. Zira gasped and grabbed out to the side for Newt’s arm, his other hand clasping over his mouth.

“Oh… Oh, fuck.” He managed. No other words could form in his mind at the time.

Crowley chuckled and held the ring up, hand trembling, “Would you do me the honor- would you allow me the privilege… Angel… Will you-“

“Yes!” Zira yelled, tears falling down his cheeks, breath barely able to be caught.

“You have to let me finish. What if I was asking if you would pawn this ring?”

“Anthony!” Zira yelped, already sobbing.

“Will you marry me, Angel?”

“Yes… Yes darling!” Zira whimpered and dropped down before him, grabbing his face and kissing him. 

The entire audience cheered, whooping and hollering. Suddenly confetti was falling through the entire venue, black and gold pieces of paper falling from the sky around them. Zira couldn’t care, he didn’t want Crowley to leave his sight. He smiled brilliantly, holding his face in his hands and crying happily. Crowley was smiling brighter than the sun, his chest was about to explode in the glee that was rushing through him. This was the moment that he’d been waiting for, the moment that he’d worked towards for nearly two years. To see Zira like this, beaming, smiling, in utter bliss because of him. He would have it all of his life, too. Crowley took Zira’s hand and slipped the ring on- but paused with a frown. It didn’t quite fit his finger. Zira grabbed it and stuffed it onto his pinkie finger, throwing his arms around Crowley’s neck again and hugging him tightly. He never wanted to let go.

“Congratulations.” Newt leaned down and ruffled Zira’s hair. Zira jumped, forgetting they were being watched by all these people.

“Let’s go.” Zira said quietly, nodding to the side. His cheeks were red, tear stained from all the excitement and the happiness bursting from within him. Crowley stood and helped him up, pulling him close and kissing him once more. He wrapped an arm around Zira’s waist and walked back toward the stage, waving at the fans in the audience.

“Let’s hear it for the newly engaged couple!” Ana wiped her eyes, waving toward the two. Crowley gave her a small salute and Zira grinned. He wanted to hug her, to thank her for everything. He would, in time. They made it through a door and backstage to applause from the stagehands and workers. Crowley rushed them through before they could stop him for anything. He threw his headset to one person, handed his guitar to another, but held Zira as close as humanly possible until they made it to his dressing room. Alone. 

“Anthony… Anthony when did you… I can’t believe you… You did all this and… I love you… I love you so much...” Zira said between kissing him. Hands laced into Crowley’s hair as he was pushed against the door. Crowley’s hands made it to his shoulders and he pushed Zira back, kissing him one last time before stepping back.

“There’s more… There’s more to this than just-”

Crowley was cut off as Zira attacked his mouth again, arms flung around his neck and a whimper leaving his throat. Crowley smiled into the kiss and pushed him back against the door again, nipping his lip.

“Zira, let me- Let me finish, Angel…”

“Can’t… Need to touch you forever.”

Crowley snorted and kissed him once more, shifting his lips to his neck and sucking a mark into it, “If I don’t tell you… You’re going to ruin it.”

“Aah…” Zira moaned out, “Listening…”

“We’re going to your place… I arranged a special night. You haven’t been home all day, yes?”

“Yes…”

“Good. Nothing is ruined then. C’mon… Ana helped me to get it set this all up, and if we don’t go through with it you know how she gets.”

“Anthony-” Zira paused and shrugged, “She does. Fair enough. I’ll play along. This better have a happy ending…” Zira purred, leaning to his ear and giving a nibble to Crowley’s earlobe. Crowley shivered and gripped his waist, pushing his erection against Zira’s.

“Does that feel like a happy ending?” He let out a whine as Zira’s tongue flicked over his ear, sucking and licking it.

“The happiest ending I could ever imagine, darling…”

They fled the venue in the back of a hired car. They told the driver where to go and the petition was put up. Zira pulled Crowley into his lap immediately, his hands roaming, grabbing, rubbing. They barely made it back to Zira’s apartment without either coming. When they walked in, they were both surprised.

Rose petals were scattered across the floor leading to the living room, and down the hall. In the living room there was a candelabra, a box of matches sitting before it. There were two covered plates with red roses on top of each of the silver tins. A bucket stood next to the end table with a bottle of champagne on ice, and two champagne flutes beside it. The second end table had a vase with at minimum three dozen red roses. 

“Color me impressed.”

“I’m not hungry.” Zira grabbed his hand and tugged him into the apartment further. Crowley felt his cheeks warm as he was dragged, giddy in excitement.

They stopped in the hall and noticed that the bathroom was similar. Zira’s clawfoot tub had candles surrounding it, another standing bucket with a champagne bottle in it, and rose petals everywhere. There were two bottles on the floor by the tub- one for bubbles and one for scents. Crowley raised an eyebrow delicately and looked to Zira.

“Are you-”

“No bath.” Zira dragged him across the hall to the bedroom where flower petals continued to lead their path.

“Ana said we just have to call for clean up…” He spoke up. Zira paused in the bedroom. There were candles  _ everywhere _ , rose petals stopped at the foot of the bed. The bed itself had a large black box on it. Zira flushed hotly- he knew what was in that box. He was  _ very _ familiar with that box’s contents. He turned to face Crowley. There was silence between them. Crowley brought a hand up slowly to touch Zira’s cheek. He leaned down, kissing him softly

“I love you, Zira.” Crowley murmured, pulling him close.

“I love you, Anthony…” Zira whispered against his lips, “With all my heart… With everything I am and will ever be.” 

They made love all evening. Several stops were made so not to waste their food- which turned out to be a dessert of strawberry cheesecake that Zira was crazy about. They tried the bath, finding it was spacious and comfortable enough for the two of them and their activities within it. They then retired back to the bedroom.

When they were finally spent, the sun was thinking about rising. Crowley lay with Zira’s head on his chest, fingers gently stroking through his hair and down his back. Zira found himself dozing off, emotionally and physically exhausted. They had all their lives together for that, and yet he was impatient. He nuzzled into Crowley’s chest and kissed the skin softly.

“Tired, Angel?” Crowley smiled, sleepy himself. Zira nodded and gave a perfectly timed yawn, eyes closing, “Want a lullaby?”

“Mmm… Sing to me, Anthony. You’re so beautiful when you sing.”

Crowley shook his head and kissed the top of his hair.

“Once there was a way… 

To get back homeward. 

Once there was a way… 

To get back home. 

Sleep, pretty darling. Do not cry. 

And I will sing a lullaby… 

Golden slumbers fill your eyes… 

Smiles await you when you rise. 

Sleep pretty darling, do not cry…

And I will sing a lullaby…”

Their breaths synchronized, limbs intertwined, pressed so close together that each heartbeat could be felt against the other's chest. They’d never been closer, never more harmonized. Crowley was finally happy. He hadn't failed Zira. The only tears he would cause him now were those of pleasure and joy. He was in a better place than he had ever been in his life. He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's Lullaby  
> [Carry That Weight - The Beatles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcQjM7gV6mI)   
> Or if you prefer...  
> [Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight - Jennifer Hudson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T71MYh8kqZc)
> 
> I'm on IG like... constantly if you like to talk I like to listen, and even talk back. Just say hi, and watch me rant. :3
> 
> Thank you my lovies. I really hope you enjoyed this.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome!
> 
> Massive thanks to Missy_Marharet who helped me SO much with this!
> 
> Find me on IG as @mrsmoosie35 💜


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